Coping with the Grief of Losing a Sibling
85An Unacknowledged Hurt
I am a 28 year old girl that lost her 29 year old brother very suddenly in a rather freak accident. Through my grieving process, I have discovered that there aren’t a lot of books written nor are there as many support groups out there to help people who are struggling with the loss of a sibling. I have actually found more support for people who are grieving the loss of a pet, than I have for people who have lost a brother or a sister. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some good materials out there, but there is not nearly enough in my opinion.
Why is that? I often ask myself this question. Is the relationship between siblings taken for granted? Does society feel that the majority of parents live for their children, so naturally they would be devastated, but most siblings move on in time and start families of their own? What about the siblings that haven’t done that yet? What about the ones whose main family life still centered around the brother or sister that is now gone? Why isn’t there more help out there for them?
The number one question I get asked above all others is, how are your parent’s doing? I don’t resent this question, as I am fully aware that losing a child is horrific, but what I don’t understand is why losing a brother or a sister doesn’t rank equally as high on that scale? As silly as it is, sometimes I actually think I have it worse than my parents. I justify in my head that if things follow Mother Nature’s original design, then they have a lot less time to wait to be reunited with him. My brother is someone that I have never known to not be a part of my life, since the day I was born. My parents on the other hand already lived a couple of decades without him. I, however, am forced to come to terms with the fact that although I had 28 years with him, I may very easily be facing living twice that long without him. It is very hard for a 28 year old to comprehend the concept of time. To me, that feels like forever. Another observation I have is that people often tell me that I need to be strong for my parents. Again, I don’t disagree with this. I know they are suffering tremendously right now, but the statement makes me wonder if people don’t really get how much I am suffering too. The change happened so quickly that I didn’t recognize the point in all of this when our roles switched places. My parents had always taken care of me, but for all intensive purposes, it appeared to me that it was now my job to take care of them. I gladly assume this responsibility. However, I wish people knew the internal struggle a sibling feels when losing one of their own. For me, he wasn’t just my brother, he was my friend. He was arguably my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else ever did or possibly ever could. To add fuel to the fire, the agony you feel over losing such a constant in your life is only compounded when you realize the only other constant you have ever known is gone as well. For many of us, throughout every major disappointment, tragedy and heartache, it is typically our parents that we turn to. Only this time, in our greatest hour of need, they can’t help us. They are so emotionally crushed, that they can barely help themselves.
I am not writing this to be selfish or to underestimate the grief that parent’s go through when having to deal with a tragedy this severe. I am only writing this to bring light to a hurt that is perhaps not acknowledged quite as often as it should be. I know there is nothing in the world that anyone can say or do to take our pain away, but sometimes it is nice to feel like people at least understand. Therefore, if there is ever a time in your life that you come in contact with a person like me, although it is very appropriate to ask about the parents, take a moment to ask how they are doing as well.
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I couldn't agree with either of you more...People ALLways ask: How're your parents doing? But so few of them ask about ME, and my OTHER surviving siblings. I lost a younger sister on January 9, 2009, and I really don't know HOW to go on living, when HER life is over. There are 3 kids left in the family, and none of us really know what we are supPOSED to do now. We know that Mom and Dad are going to have some rough days, but SO are we. I have been trying to go on with my life, but everything seems so empty now that my lil sis is gone. So often, I'll think of something and say: 'I need to call her and tell her', but then reality sets in, and I realize that that's no longer possible...
I agree as well. I just lost my big brother on January 22, 2009 and he was my only sibling. I keep getting the same response be strong for your parents. Who is helping me be strong. I miss my brother so much. I feel so empty. It doesn't seem real. Just like he been on a vacation. I miss him so much and I would like to relate to other ppl about this. I feel left alone and not knowing what to expect from my parents. Cccla2002@aol.com if anyone wants to talk.
I agree also... I am the oldest and I just lost my 18 year old brother. I am stuck at time fighting tears and trying to be strong and happy for my other siblings and parents. Something needs to be done for the siblings left behind. I agree that it is hard for the parents but I think we suffer although in a completly different way. But silings do feel etreme pain. Never in my life have I felt such agony. My heart goes out to others who have lost siblings.
I lost my little sister on June 3rd 2006. This was 3 days before my 20th birthday. Not a day goes by..no I take that back not an hour goes by that I dont think of her in some way, shape, or form. I used to tell people that I think about her every 10 seconds which my have been slightly overexagerated but not much, obviously time has help heel things somewhat. Although the pain never really goes away. I can also relate with how you feel about the parent situation. My sister and I were raised by our Mom alone. I have 2 much older brothers, however although they were another generation. I guess my point is I was the brother that was around my little sister everyday. People always ask how my mom is doing. I appericate the gesture, but truth be told I really don't know what to tell them. She lost her only daughter, how do you think she's doing. But to ease the tension I just let them know she's doing as good as she can be. I too with there were more out there for sibling because after her death I found myself having to grow up very quickly because I had to deal with a lot of the important funeral arrangements and decisions that my mom just couldn't handle at the time. Not that I blame her. But that is a lot of pressure to be put on one 19 year old kid who was still in college at the time. There is so much more to this story, but I for fear I may be rambling I will stop it there for now. E-mail me if you would like to know more or want to just talk or relate: craigmania6@yahoo.com Also, my advise for anyone that just lost a sibling or loved one. Channel your loss in a positive way. Make sure that your loved one is never forgetten. For example I started a myspace account specifically in memory of my sister www.myspace.com/remember_krystle Also, I rented out a skate corral for in her memory 1 year after her passing because she loved to skate...and I have gotten her a cake on her birthday to preserve her memory. While It may seem really hard to do right now, always to everything in your power to remember them because in the end that is what you will cherish the most the rest of your life.
This is the most amazing article I have ever read in regards to what it is like to lose a sibling. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and post this. You "nailed" everything.
I lost my brother when I was 27, and he was 29. He was killed by a drunk driver. As his sister, and only sibling, it was one of the most difficult times of my life.
My father just recently passed away. It was unexpected. I feel like I am going through the same thing again as when I lost my brother.
For some reason, siblings, and sometimes, children who lose parents, can be treated as "invisible" when it comes to the pain we are going through by our loss.
When I lost my brother, it was all about how my parents were doing. Now that I lost my dad, it is all about how my mom is.
Take care everyone...
And of course, please don't drink and drive. The drunk driver who killed my brother was a 23 year old girl who had too much beer to drink at a party. I wish someone took away her car keys that afternoon.
yeah i lost my 23 year old brother this year! its horrible to have to try and cope. sorry for all your losses guys! it sucks! :(
There is this song by Peter Gabriel called "I Grieve." It is awesome.
I just lost my brother April 22,2009. I googled what to do when a sibling dies. This came up. Your article helped me realize that I am not alone and I feel the same way you did. I am an only child now and it is hard to understand and cope with. They keep asking about my parents and I understand that. I just feel like the roles reversed totally and I cannot take the stress. This is very hard for me so thank you for writing this. Some of the stress has eased.
I am 26 and just lost my younger brother on 4-4-09. He was only 19 years old. Just a baby. Well that's how I look at him, cause I am 6 years older and he has always been like my own. He knew me better than anybody, and vice versa. I can't even express the way I feel in words. To sum it up I feel very alone, unable to breathe, and can't begin to fathom life without him. He has always been my strength. He was my baby brother but he took up for me. I had kids young and he was there for me more than anyone else in my family. I could go on and on, but I just really wanted to let everyone know that they are not alone in this. And I am so greatful I found this. Each of your comments has helped me some.
Hi all, Im reading this in tears but it is also helping me to read similar to what has happened to me. On 17 April 2009 I lost my little brother there was only 3 years between us and we were both Diabetic, the reason of his death will not be told to us until the final inquest hearing in July/August this year, But I do know its his diabetes as I have read his blood monitoring books and results were always far from what they should have been although I have spent my life nagging him about his control he focused his energy and commitment to playing his guitars which he was amazing at. I now feel unable to live anymore its actually his 27th birthday today 10 May 2009 and his funeral was on Friday 8 May. I keep saying to my friends and family that I am not going to survive this and I know Im not how can I live without him. Thank you for taking th etime to read this.
Lesley, it may seem impossible but you can survive and go on if you take life daily in small doses. I lost my beloved sister four days ago, May 7, from a rare and sudden cancer, we had no time to prepare for her sudden departure. It is still so raw and painful, an unbearable pain, but there are ways to finding meaning in the most awful things and you will be able to find a way to go on. My sister left three young girls aching for their mother and the oldest, 12, will be under my wing as she is at such a sensitive age. We must not only be consoled with our pain but we must also have purpose in this tragedy, it forever changes us but we can also use it to change others around us for good. Please just live day by day and find some small goodness every day, don't expect too much of yourself right now, the pain is unbearable, I know, my sister was like a twin, but I also know that you can make your brother proud by finding strength. I wish you peace and strength.
This is EXACTLY what it's like for me. I lost my big sister 9 months ago. She was only 19. I miss her so much it's like having a constant heartache. Everything about it is just one big nightmare. Except it would be better if it was a nightmare, because then it wouldn't be real. People always ask me how my parents are doing. But they don't have a single thought in their mind for me. Just because I'm carrying on, just because three days after the accident I went back to school, and didn't cry. Maybe I'm even hurting more than my parents, I guess I can't know for sure. All I know is the losing a sibling is at least equally as awful as losing a child. Siblings have this bond that keeps them together through everything. They're always there for each other, supportive, loving, caring, sometimes arguing. I miss everything about my sister, and I'm sure everyone who has written on here misses their siblings just the same. I'm sorry, no one should have to go through this.
I just lost my elder brother on the 5th of May 2009.He was murdered by a bunch of people who just wanted the car. I feel like my world has completely crashed. He was my best friend. During and after the funeral I just could not cry and two weeks after that I just cant stop crying. Its his birthday tomorrow and I don't know how am I going to get through this. Today I just wanted to rip my heart out because it hurt so much.I dont know how to fill this void. my e mail is malzy_78@hotmail.com I just need to talk to anyone who knows what I am going through.
In the last three years I've lost both older brother and sister to heart disease and cancer...just recently losing my brother in March- the heartache is still so fresh. I'm starting to come around though and believing that they are both together again watching over me...Just recently I went through my sisters belongings that she kept in a small trunk and the smell of her was on her clothes and hair strands...Even though I have an amazing support group of friends there is that emptiness that just can't be replaced. I really can't stand it when people say that it gets easier, it truly doesn't.
Thanks for this great article! I just lost my 24 year old sister in June and this sums up everything that i've been feeling. Good to see i'm not alone...
OMG This is how I feel my brother was violently murdered in his apptent block on July 30th 2009. I expect the phone to call still can't belive it. I feel a part of died that night I miss him so much and never told him how much I love him. how does life go on!!!!!!
Thank you...this describes exactly how I feel, my only brother passed away 18 days ago,he was 25 I'm 22. Even though both my parents are alive I feel like an orphan...
Thank you...this describes exactly how I feel, my only brother passed away 18 days ago,he was 25 I'm 22. Even though both my parents are alive I feel like an orphan...
Thank you for writing this (and thank you to everyone else who has shared). I lost my 22 year old sister in March. She felt like i was the only one who understood her unique mental illness. I waS on the other side of the country (Canada) when she died, studying at school. I feel I neglected my special role as an understanding brother in helping her. It is much easier for people to imagine the feeling of failing as a parent than it is for them to imagine the feeling of failing as a sibling. We truly do have an important supportive role to our siblings that can become even more significant than that of our parents in the later stages of life.
Thank you for sharing this. What you say is absolutely true! My older brother was married with a family as I and my other two siblings are. His passing came as a shock to me and I still can't move through it. He took a large piece of me with him. I have been extremely hurt; I received a card from a married couple friend of his saying they would pray for his family (I wasn't his family?), while others told me to be strong for my parents, to take care of the others, not to let my son and husband see me cry, and a lot of other hurtful remarks. Even though he was my brother, as a child he was a playmate and a leader of our pack; as an adult, he was an advisor, a helper, a best friend, a confidante, a cheerleader (when I got sick), a counselor, and we'd spend plenty of time together traveling and on day trips, sometimes without our families (on certain vacations and going to festivals). Perhaps ours was not the typical relationship; we were very close and could even speak to each other with a gesture of a finger and the other would know the meaning. He came over several times a week to talk and would call on the phone. He shared his secrets with me and often spoke of things that bothered him. We solved problems together. He akways remembered me with silly gifts and seasonal ones. Most of all, we'd laugh a lot together. Since I was born, my brother was with me. He even talked about retirement and where we would go when we grew old. Since he has passed, I, too, have felt as though people thought siblings didn't matter (given all I was told and the lack of support I received). Compassionate Friends was the only support group in for siblings and parents. Online, there was one other. On Wikipedia, there was a section for grief where they listed everything, including pets and loss of jobs, etc., but nothing on siblings. Then I made an entry. Last time I checked several months ago, it was still there. Will we always be the "forgotten mourners" and our grief the "disenfranchised grief?" Perhaps a few woke up with all the publicity on Michael Jackson and the fact that his siblings were the ones whose grief was focused upon. I am sorry for your loss. All loss is devastating.
Hey, I am so glad you posted this message. I lost my only sibling, my brother on September 9, 2003. It is a struggle everyday. I just pray to God for strength. People do not understand like you said that you feel so alone, because your sibling has been there since you were born. This situation is not acknowlege as it should. I was 20 years old when my brother died at the age of 27. I feel the same way your parents are so crushed that you really can not turn to them. As soon as you are going through your situation everyone says that they are there. Well you still experience grief daily, and those people are moving on with their lives.
Wow just found this website and I have to 100% agree. I lost my older brother December 18, 2006 and not a day goes by that I don't miss him and wish he was still here. Even now as I type this tears run down my cheek with the ache I have constantly at him being gone. There are moments when I get so angry at him because he had epilepsy and was so blase about taking he medication and I always nagged him and made sure he took it. That now there are times when I have the WHAT IF'S....The worst part is the fear that I may forget the happy memories I have like his bear hugs and when he would call mi hermanita. It's moments like those when I get so sad but then I have to remember that I have older sisters and two younger sibling who I have to be strong for. But the worst is the regret of not seeing him before his death because prior to his death I had last seen him a week ago and I can remember it like yesterday when I was leaving his apartment and he asked when I would be back and jokingly I said in a wk and the very next week he died. Even now two years and nine months later saying his name and looking at his pictures hurt not as deeply but still the ache is there and I doubt it will ever be gone.
Dana,
I am dealing with unbearable grief and was surfing the web looking for answers when I came across your page. What you wrote is exactly how I am feeling as well. I lost my brother and my best friend a couple weeks ago. We were only one year apart and did everything together growing up. I was awaken to a 5:00 A:M phone call to be told the news that my brother had just been pronounced dead. My world has been destroyed. I am completely heart broken. The pain is so intense it's all I can do just to get through the day. I seem okay in short spurts but then in a sense of panic it all comes back so intense, my brother is gone and I can't stop crying. It all seems so unreal. My parents seem to be taking it a whole lot better than me. I'm also sensing from friends and other family memebers that the loss is somehow less for me than my parents. My own Mother actually told me the pain is worse for her because she was his Mother. That's not possible! The pain is every bit as bad for me,if not worse. This will sound incredibly cold but I would have rather had both of my parents pass away instead. I loved my brother like no other person in the world. I would do anything for him and him for me. I think it's very cold for others to down play our siblings and the love we feel for them. My brother had just celebrated his 48th birthday a month before passing away suddenly from a massive heart attack. It was a complete shock to me as he had never been sick a day in his life other than an occasional cold. I understand the pain you feel and it's awful. I wish you all the best.
I too am happy I stumbled here..its so hard sometimes to understand what it is my heart is going through. I lost my uncle in July, he was murdered by his wife! I feel like I lost the closest person I had to a father..he was a friend, a sibling..you name it..I lost him! His wife is free, and our familiy is paralyzed with grief. Its hard to not get angry..but I believe in God. I know He is in control of all, and that my uncle now is in peace. God Bless you guys and touch you now during your pain.
wow! Thank you I'm drowned by so much grief i typed in my computer coping with grief of losing sibling and found this site. Im 27 and lost my only sibling at 25 he as 24. He was murdered and i deal with grief as well as unanswered question because the murderer is still out and about living a normal life i suppose. I have experience everything you mention I have took time to comfort others but havent recieved comfort myself. I 'm always listening to people and their problem but when I call people I get lack of or no gratitude except from my 9 year old daughter.I would love to have that listening ear from time to time everybody always feel like their problems are so much bigger then yours but will it be my turn. Still waitng!
Thank you everyone for writing how you feel, it is so helpful. I lost my 40 year old brother on July 4 2009 (I'm 42), he died suddenly from chronic alcohol abuse, which we always knew was a risk, but no way could I ever have imagined the horror of that phonecall from my dad when he found out, or the pain of the loss, like I lost part of myself, even physically, like a limb was taken -- without my consent!! So I hear all of you and take comfort that my intense suffering is not the only one out there, I too have found that not many people understand the pain of losing a sibling, and I have also felt odd because my other siblings don't seem to be nearly as affected, so I don't have their support. After the initial shock, they don't talk about it anymore -- and it's only been 4.5 months! Well, I'm going to go ahead and let myself keep crying rivers of tears, because that's what's happening. And yes on some level I do know that it was "his time to go" and that he is at peace, but I am still so broken hearted.
Thank you all for your shared experiences and comments. I lost my brother last week, very suddenly. His heart gave out, literally...and suddenly. Such a beautiful, bright, intelligent young man. He kept much of his health struggles private. It is very true...it is as if a piece of me was cut out. I am fortunate to have a younger sister. We help each other cope. Friends have been calling, but it is too soon to talk with them about it. How can they know what I am going through? I feel we can really only share with you all...and a few others in our community, who are going through this. Because we share this burden. My parents are grieving tremendously. But as someone mentioned...I often stop and think of the long years ahead that I must now face without my brother and best friend.
My sister died due to cardiac arrest in October 2nd of this year. She was 20 and there were no previous signs. I feel lost. I can just about take each day at a time but I can't even begin to think about one year...5 years in the furure. Everything has to be re-written. It is an insecure feeling and I'm so angry that such a lovely and bright individual has been taken from our family who was going to so much good in the world and impact so positively on other people. As for me...I miss my sister. She was my best friend and my world. I wish I could have protected her. I love her so much.
My sympathy to everyone that has lost a sibling....My 42 year old brother has been suffering with acute lymphoblastic leukemia since April of this year....he lost his battle with it this past Friday (Dec 11th 2009). My brother has been married for 16 years and has a 16 year old and a 11 year son...
He was my baby bro...I am the oldest sibling....(sister), I also have a brother who is a year younger then I....he and his wife were able to drive to where my brother lived and visit with him this week, myself, my mom and dad were due to drive up there this coming wednesday.....we knew that his cancer was terminal, he had stopped responding to treatment, but the docs had given him 2 weeks to a month prognosis...instead it turned into a 3 day prognosis...
I am now experiencing what the first poster went through.
My sister in law and brother) live about 3 hours north of us.....I was expecting that she would include myself, my brother and obviously my parents in the plans for the memorial. I spoke to her today, and basically she and her friends are planning the event, with no phone calls to my grieving parents or my brother and I to include us on the plans for this memorial. I am having a real problem with this so I gave my other sister in law a call tonight to ask her her opinion on that....basically her reply was that his wife had been through hell and that it was her right, being his wife.....I dont agree with this at all.....Myself, my brother and my poor parents deserve to be included in the plans, for god sake, he was a son and brother first! I am at a loss here.....
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. My only brother, my baby brother was murdered a year ago. He was 27 years old and I was 29-just three weeks shy of my 30th. We had planned an awesome trip to the snow to celebrate and were playing phone tag the night everything happened. I really really can't believe its been a year. I am so thankful for websites like this. I have discovered like many of you that there really isn't much support for sibling loss. Especially being in a rural area. I too have battled with supporting my parents while trying to maintain and allow myself to grieve. There is not an hour of a single day where I don't think about my brother. Stay strong and know that we HAVE to continue to live each day as best as we can. chiefeb@hotmail.com
I too can now take my place alongside you poor people that suffer the loss of a sibling. My brother died last month aged 38, he battled mental health problems for many years and i admired his courage in doing so.
Even though he was depressed in recent years and had attempted suicide before nothing prepared me for his loss when he took his own life last month.
I am still very much in the angry stage. Angry that his life was cut short, angry that he had to suffer and angry that my sister and I are devestated by his passing. I feel as though i will never find true happiness and enjoyment in my life again as i will always remember the sadness of his life and death.
My heart bleeds for the people on this blog, especially those that had a sibling murdered. It makes me angry that evil bastards get to live while others are denied that and their siblings and loved ones are left grief stricken.
God bless you all, my heart is with all of you.
thank you for this insightful HUB. I write on lost but mostly don't publish. I lost my first Husband when we were 31 years and my first daughter when she was 2 hours old. so i know lost but never thought to much about sibling lost. GOd help you. I wrote a hub "I'm sorry I left you" about a letter from my husband to me. THanks for writing about this.
Thank you so much for this great article. I lost my younger brother in 2007. We were each other's everything. I loved him like a mom, and he loved me like a big sister. He died of cancer. I know it was due to stress, and I still wish I could have taken that stress away from him (even though it was a stressful point in my life- graduating college). I am not God, and only God can help us to avoid death. My prayer is that we meet again in heaven, and we enjoy each other so well. God bless you all
It's been almost three years since my younger brother and only sibling Alex died in a car accident suddenly at the age of 31, just eight months after his wedding and leaving behind two sons who were only three and five at the time. I have been going through some things lately and today I went to pick up the phone to call him. Then I realized and put the phone down and have been in tears for hours ever since. My sweet boyfriend is here and keeps asking if I am ok and all I can say is I will be ok but in my heart I don't know if that will ever be true. He was my best friend. He was supposed to bury me!!! It was me and him no matter what else happened in our lives. Parents pass on and wives and husbands come and go but we were forever. Me and him. Buddies forever! Now what am I going to do?? I read someone's post that said they would have retaher lost their parents and as cold as that may sound so someone who hasn't been there, it's true. Parents are supposed to die before their children. But he was not supposed to leave me. Not this way. I hate too that I find comfort in all of your posts as I would never wish this on anyone but it helps so much not to feel so alone. I wish everyone here love and light. EFfie franinct@yahoo.com..if anyone needs to vent or cry or talk...I am here.
I just recently(a Month ago) lost My 16 Y.O. BFFEFS (Best Friend Forever Ever Forever Sister) -Stupid I Know. But She iS My Twin Sister And Now Shes Gone. ANd its like no one even cares how I Feel. Everyone is more concerned about my parents. They dont understand that she was and still is a part of me I dont know how to cope with it.I Just want to give up. I Dont know when things are going to stop going wrong for me. I cant Take it. :(
It is very hard, and I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I wrote this article a long time ago, and I am coming up on the 2 year anniversary of losing my brother. Needles to say, I have been very emotional lately. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me. Again, I am so sorry you are hurting.
I must say I felt relieved to see others feel the same way I do. Thank you for saying it. I lost my 20 year old brother to a solo vehicle accident March 2009. Just when hoping for a better year I lost my 33yr old sister Jan. 2010 also to a solo vehicle accident. My sister saved other lives by donating her organs one of which went to our father. She left behind a 8yr old & a 16 yr old. It has been very difficult to be supportive to my parents, my sisters children and grieve for my own loss as I know as the worst feeling ever. I may never know what it feels like to lose a child, but for now I know what it feels like to lose my little brother and sister. It's the worst heart ache I have ever known. Siblings are indeed the forgotten grievers!
All the comments and the original posting are exactly how I felt after my youngest sister Shannon died in 2003. Siblings play such an important role in our lives. I know we shouldn't promote sites, but ours is very applicable to everyone posting here. Because there is no support for adult sibling loss, we were inspired to found a company in her memory. We create sympathy gifts and even have a Sister candle! Check us out at http://www.lunaslight.com. And many blessings to all who post here!
Man I really didnt think that anyone else felt that way until i read this i lost my 22 year old sister two years ago 4-19-08, to a hit and run and still havnt found the person who did it... Everyday feels like the day i found out she died. I am 29 years old and im married with two kids. i try to be strong around and for everyone but the truth is it hurts like hell..i have anger, sadness,and the feeling of losing someone so close to me... i hear songs on the radio and think to myself man renee would love this song or try to call her and tell her about it and then stop myself in the middle of dialing...and your right everyone always says your gonna have to be strong for your mom and dad...and i am but now my dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and literally has been the worst two years of my life...glad to know that im not alone....THANKS
I agree! I too, lost my big brother to cancer on June 3rd, 2007. I was 28 and he had just turned 37. He left behind a wife and two young children (2 and 3 yrs old). I not only had to deal with the grief of my parents, my sister in law and his children, but I also had to play "peace maker" in the family after his death. This week it will be 3 years since I lost my brother and I still must fill this role. Losing my brother was and still is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is sad that so many people who suffer through something like this, feel so alone. I wish I could say the support gets better, but for me, it hasn't.
The one thing that has truely helped me is spending time with my niece and nephew, my brothers children. I see so much of my brother in his children. Trying to keep his memory alive with his children has been great for my own healing.
I have just lost my 46 yr old big brother to cancer two days ago and find this site in my search for comfort...my mum can not be there as she is is angry with the world and she even said hurtful things on his passing...i am in so much pain right now and again the amount of people who tell me its worse for my mum (who can i add i love so much). My brother died in my arms, I saw his last breath, I helped carry his body to the funeral directors car because he was 23 stone and the guys could not carry him. I helped hold his head because they nearly allowed his 6'7 frame hang over the edge of the flaming trolly...all of this is in my head right now and it hurts so much and i have to 'get over it' for the sake of looking after mum. Of course I will look after my mum I love her dear but ime so mixed up right now :(
Its my brothers birthday today, he should be turning 27, but instead he was taken away from me. His wedding should have been last weekend, we were all so excited. He was my best friend, my only sibling. 4 months have gone without him and i still feel as though it will never get better. He had a freak accident, never saw any of it coming. How do you cope? Everything in my world has changed, i feel as though i have to start a whole new life, with this new me. I am not the same person i was, i will never be, there is too much missing in my soul. I find it hard to even start a relationship or keep one going. I get so frustrated that they cant "get it"...my pain. I feel lost.
I have read all these posts n they all sound like my story, I lost my brother 4 months ago this past saturday, he died unexpectedly at 38 about to be 39..3 hours after his death. When we arrived at the hospital he was already on life support n had been brought back twice already. I have alot of unanswered questions. I am the youngest of five siblings but he and i were the youngest, closest....best friends!! I have always been there for him and talked to him a hundred times a day...It kills me to never speak to him again! Two of my siblings live away so they went home and on with their lives while i was left to care for my parents. He was also my mother's best friend and life so it is very hard for me to go to her with my grief. No one understands the pain, the whole in our hearts and the new life we have to figure out without a VERY IMPORTANT part. I have just taken a leave from work as i couldn't function and felt that everyone was thinking "omg get over it".
I feel empty and lost as well!!!!
Like many people on here, I never thought I'd be reading and identifying with these postings, but alas, I relate to these comments all too well, having lost my younger brother 8 months ago, in his late 30s. He seemed fit and well and then literally collasped and died of an undiagnosed heart condition, leaving his family stunned and an abyss that cannot be filled. Not only was he my brother but also my best friend. And its true, people ask me: 'How are your parents doing'. They just don't get - but I wouldn't wish this situation on them just so they would understand. One day very soon, I'm going to write a long article on him, on our relationship and on sibling loss - thats all thats keeping me going at the moment...
Thanks for sharing as I totally feel everything you're saying. I lost my 47 yr old brother and I am still grieving heavily 2 yrs later! he was my older brother. My mom died a year later and tho I miss her terribly, and in fact, spent more time with her, I grieve her less because her time was near, when I wasn't expecting my brother to pass.. it was so sudden. Thanks for your story.. I get it! Bless you and the others who shared!
I just lost my only sister 9-18-2010. She passed away very suddenly and the shock is still so fresh in my mind. I was looking on line to see if I could find any answers and this page helped me to at least know I am not the only one lost and confused... I do cry for my Mom alot... Sheila was the baby and so sickly any ways but, for her to pass so unexpectedly I just dont know how I am to act any more :(
I lost my baby brother June 16th, I love him dearly, I miss him so much .....sometimes I forget and think I have to talk to Tim but then I remember I can't talk to him anymore. Everything is different now..... I am different ...... I am sad and my heart is broken, I can't talk to him anymore and laugh with him..... I miss you tim
Thank you for this. My Younger brother was found dead in an alley in Washington DC three weeks ago. He apparently had "fallen" off the ten story roof of the building he was living in. It was late at night and the cause of death was declared an accident by the DC police but I have so many questions. I'm so confused. NO one saw the fall and so many things are left unanswered. I guess that it was one of the hardest things for me.. Not having the closure of understanding how the heck a smart, happy, man could just have fallen of a building.. I truly believe it was his time. As I reflect on some things leading up to the death, I believe I was being prepared by god for his passing.. I have that little comfort. Doesn't make it that much easier though. My sweet little brother was due to turn 24 nine days after he died. I'm so blessed to have another amazing brother, I feel like I am being selfish by not focusing on the wonderful family and blessings I do have. I can't right now though. My mind is overcome with thoughts of Eric. That's his name. This pain is like nothing you ever could imagine.. It's amazing how you do go on though. I think sometimes because people see you functioning, going to work, attending to your daily obligations, that you are feeling better. Not so much. The pain has just changed, deeper. I do have faith it will get better, but until then, wow, this is hard. Thanks for this page.. How comforting to see I'm not the only one that feels these emotions.
You are so right on about this. My older brother died in a car accident exactly 3 weeks ago. I am in so much pain but I need to be strong for my parents. I loved my brother so much. He was like my other half. I didn't no life without him . Now he is gone and I am lost with pain and sorrow for my parents.
Thank you for helping me to understand my own grief. I lost my beloved brother 6 years ago now. He was a year and a bit older than me. He passed away at 24 years old in a boating accident.
I very much miss him and have been dealing with the conflicting feelings of empathy my parents who feel the loss of thier child/and anger for them not "being there" for me when I needed them the most.
I still just mostly miss him and feel incomplete without him in my life.
I am so thankful to be finding people that know how I feel. I lost my only sibling, my brother Kyle. He was only 18 and was one of the most talented people I know. He was driving home from his All-State golf tournament when he had his accident.
I feel so alone right now. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends, and the most loving boyfriend imaginable, but I still feel alone. Kyle was my best friend. He had always looked up to me throughout my life for some reason. He saw the best in me in a way that no one else could. We told eachother everything. You hit the nail ok the head when you said it feels like you're missing a piece of yourself. I do feel like a huge piece of my life and heart is gone. I will never get to be an aunt to his kids, watch him succeed in his dream of being a professional golfer, or even just play board games with him again.
Our family has lost several people in the past ten years and Kyle and I grieved together. We handled our parents grief together. Who can share in my grief now? I'm missing the only person who ever fully understood me. No one else can take his place. I am a Christian and so is Kyle, but I can't help but be angry at God. Why Kyle? Why take the best of us? I would do anything if I could take his place. If I could just give my parents back their talented, accomplished, sweet-hearted child. It should have been me instead of him if it had to be someone. Can you tell I feel a little guilty?
Like I said, I am a believer in God and I know he is good and that He has never left me even through this dark time. But I'm heartbroken and I'm having trouble seeing how my family can ever be happy again.
Who will help me when my parents are elderly? Who will help me go through their belongings when they pass away? Kyle was my brother and I feel cheated that he was taken away from me. Especially because he was my only sibling.
Thank you so much for posting. I look forward to hearing more thoughts from all of you who have lost siblings. It helps tremendously to hear from others who are grieving, especially since there is so little out there for surviving siblings.
I am a 33 year old mother of three, and I lost my 31 year old brother on September 17, 2010, he was my only sibling. He was killed in a car accident on his way home from work just days after his 1st wedding anniversary. I liked reading everyones postings, It is comforting to know that there are others who have had the same thoughts as I have, especially the person who posted about their brother Kyle. I worry about my parents and decisions I will be alone to make in the future. I wish I could just get through this, I feel like my world has been just crumbling around me. I dont have the desire to do anything, I know I have to move forward because I'm still alive and I have a lot of people who need me, I just don't know how. The funeral is over and everyone went home but my heart hurts worse than ever. I feel like everyone thinks I should be over it by now but Im not, and I'm not sure that I ever will. I wish I could just get the motivation to do so. I feel bad for my parents and his wife, and my husband...his best friend, my kids who were very close to him. I am being strong for everyone and putting on a fake smile, but inside I am so torn apart. I too am a christian and I believe that God had his reasons that someday I will surely understand, and I dont blame him...I just wish I could have my brother back. I know that right now I cant give any advice or thoughts of comfort but one thing I have learned is that you need to show the people that you love that you love them while they are here because truth of the matter is NOBODY is promised a tomorrow. If I knew my brother was going to die I would have had the chance to say a lot of things I never said. But that may have been worse. He didnt have to suffer, but we didnt get to say goodbye. The day before when he left my house would be the last time I ever saw his face, we couldnt even have an open casket at his wake. My heart goes out to all of you and your famlies, I hope God carries you through this, I am dependant on him to carry me.
Well, I lost my brother 11 years ago, and OMG (sorry for the christians out there) but I've just realised that I am no over it now than I have ever been, the problem for me is that he was 18 years old, he had me and three other bigger badder (not in the literal sense) and madder older brother and sisters to the tune of 10years he was our baby!! he died in a car accident I was with him 2hrs before, I think that no matter what happens to me in the furure finding out the James had gone (still can't say the D word) will be the worst day of my life, I want to be able to think of him and talk about him but just can't still do it even after all this time coz it still breaks my heart that I might? (that's a word for a grieving person by the way) never see him again, when I know damn (sorry again for the offence)well I never will (in this lifetime anyway!!) Sorry to be a downer on things but just had a bout of sobbing!!! xxx (anyway. I know am gonna see him again coz I'm gonna paddle hiss ass!!!)
I feel all of yalls pain. I lost my baby brother in 1983. He was 5, he dyed from a tonsillectomy. I was 11 and have missed him terribly. I am now 39 and I still have yet to heal from the loss of him and the distruction it took on me, my other brother and my parents. I too did not get any help or suppport. Just had to pick up, suck it up and move on. My prayers go out to each and everyone of you who have had to bury a brother or sister and may you find some kind of peace in God. Us kids/sibling hearts ache just as much as the parents, just in a different way. Lift your pain and hurt to the Lord and pray for peace each and everyday and above all........know your not alone
God bless you all for this website and postings. I lost my brother today and am numb; thank you so much . . . so true about losing a sibling vs. a parent; we're lost . . . but hang onto our Lord and savior . . . our loved ones are with their father . . . my prayers to all of you . . . Susan
Hi, how sad that this website exists and that I stumble across it in my hope to find people who can help me. I wish that none of you have had to suffer, but I feel comfort from you that I share your feelings. I lost my only brother three weeks ago and I feel totally lost. He died very suddenly from a fatal infection, he had no underlying health problems, so it was a total shock. Why has this happened now, he was 38 and he loved his life and his family and friends. There is no reason for him to have gone and I just long to have him back. Grief is such a strange and scary experience. I have no idea if I'm coping or not or what I am feeling. I am reading books on coping, books on spirituality, but nothing is helping because I want to reach him but can't. I feel for everyone who loved him as they are greiving too, what does the future hold?
I lost my younger brother Nick 4 months ago and can so relate to all that has been said in your posts. Nick was 44 years old, just 16 months younger than me. He had been battling addiction for 10 years and although my sister and i have always supported him through his attempts at recovery the guilt i feel at not doing more is unbearable. He died of liver failure, all the family were at his hospital bedside for 6 days praying for a miracle but sadly he slipped away before our eyes. I feel as if i've been kicked in the guts and my heart ripped out at the same time. My older sister and i have always looked out for him, even at infant school i can remember sitting with him at lunchtimes, he hated school and the teachers thought it would make him feel more secure. I have hit an all time low and just dont see the point in anything. My thoughts are with all of you who are grieving a sibling. They say that time is a great healer but all i can think about right now is how to deal with the pain in between.
I am so blessed to have found this article! I feel refreshed reading that others feel as I do. I lost my only sibling, my brother Destin May 20, 2007. Destin died in a car accident. He was only 24, and the pain still exists. I call on God call to comfort, and He has blessed me immensely. The hardest part is knowing that it will be so long before I see Destin in heaven. I thank God for his time with me on Earth, but I even think about things like how I am all alone. Destin helped to complete me. I have wonderful parents, a husband, and two beautiful children, but nothing can replace the hole in my heart where Destin resided. He will always be my baby brother. I pray for everyone that is visiting this site. Please feel free to email me: trippfranchesca@gmail.com
Hi, my younger brother was murdered a month ago, aged 47, we are a family of 3 girls and one boy, its so ard to accept that I /we will not see him again, being told that your baby brother has been killed, is something that i can never get over, I keep hearing the words of my younger sister in my ear, when she called me to tell me he was dead! My mother died 3 yrs ago, over a short period of time, this was so hard to deal with , she wasnt sick long, she wasnt that old either 73, as a family we were jsut coming to terms with this, my brother \Never came to tersm with the passing of his mum, I feel numb, lost, sad, angry, it changes from hr to hr, I feel bad for laughing at anything. I see his face all the time, the last time I saw him, I hear his voice, I worry about where he is now - is he with my Mum? Is he angry at passing, I am really sure he will be, I am...its so unfair, so young, so horrednously tragic a death, I cant get passed worrying as to how much he suffered..He leaves behind a beautiful wife and 2 young girls, who are lost without him..why , why..
God, nope I dont have my faith just now, I am too angry, why my little brother, why was he taken,,
my email is alemamie2@yahoo.co.uk if anyone would like to contact me.. I am lost..
Hi, it was a relief to hear that a few of you have the same experience as me, which is that you lost a sibling quite a long time ago ( 13 years in my case ) and still find it quite painful and hard to talk about. But talk about it we must. I would encourage you all to talk about it, and don't stop talking about it until the pain subsides. For those of you who have lost a brother or a sister recently....it is immensely painful now....but it does get better....and life does eventually become good again....I wish you all the comfort you deserve and hope that these words have been some small kind of comfort too.
Help! I lost my little sister 2 years ago. I can't stop crying, I want to ask the radios to stop playing every song that connects me to her. I still wear her clothes. I have so much guilt. Is anyone there?
Wow this blog is so true. When my brother passed away 3 years ago, I went to Borders to find a book to help me cope. I literally found 8 books about losing a pet and 1 book about losing a sibling. I was in absolute awe of this. When we found out my brother passed, everyone kept coming up to me and telling me to take care of my parents. Not one person asked how I was. I felt like everyone was disregarding my feelings. Like it didn't matter that I lost my brother. We were so close growing up and almost all of my childhood memories involve him, and now he's not here to share in those stories.
Thank you so much for writing this. All of these posts are exactly how I feel. I lost my baby brother, Jordan, on Nov. 5, 2010. He was an EOD technician in the Marines and was killed in Afghanistan by an IED. He was my BEST friend. I am 5yrs older, but no one understood me better than him. I have a younger sister and another brother besides him, but he and I were the closest, by far. I am broken right now, and trying to hold it together, but being the oldest, I am constantly told that I have to be strong and be there for my parents. I understand and accept this, but when do I get to grieve? How do I grieve? It is almost as if my feelings don't matter. I am so glad that I am not the only one to feel this way. I was feeling so angry with myself for feeling so selfish for having these thoughts. If anyone here would like to share their thoughts or stories, my email is christilynn79@hotmail.com. I just thought it would be nice to have a support system.
ur not alone.
My brother died a few weeks ago from a totally unexpectyed heart attack. I wasn't able to get to the funeral due to snow. My youger brother died 12 years ago- froma heart attack also aged 34.
I feel numb and anxious about my own health.
EVERYONE asks how my mother is - they mean well- but I feel like saying 'What about me- I matter too.' !!
So glad to have come across this site.
I lost my only sibling, my brother, and my best friend almost 2 1/2 years ago and it seems like just last week my heart was ripped out of my chest and my life ended as well. He passed away after being in the ICU for 6 days after a car accident while he was on his way to my house. The accident took place on my street about a mile away from my home. He was only 24. I tried for so long to be the one who held everyone else up and tried to fix all the pain that my parents, his wife, daughter, aunts and uncles were feeling I never have taken the time to "fix" myself. I don't believe that I can be fixed, I am a broken sole who is longing for that bond that we had back. I miss him so much and the worst part I can't even remember what his voice sounded like, it kills me to think I have forgotten him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him, cry for him, and talk to him to at least one person but still the pain is so real and fresh. I just wanted to tell you all that sharing your stories has been a wonderful read. Thanks so much!
I lost my younger brother on 19th December 2010, he was only 22 when he passed away. He suffered from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and was doing so well, his death was so sudden, he was with a carer at the time & had been to his friends party,we are still waiting for the toxocology tests to find out why he died, although he was ill with DMD his death was too sudden. I never got the chance to say goodbye when they found he had died in his bed, in fact it was my mother who found him even though a carer was supposed to be by his bedside as he had been drinking. I just hope he didnt suffer.
I am so pleased to have come across this site, it has helped a little. I feel the same, as my Mother seems to be the only one who is grieving according to people & us siblings have to be strong for her & sort out his house & belongings such as his wheelchair that was his legs. My Mum even told me to get it together and get back to work & be strong, Just wish I could get some support back, I know that sounds selfish, but nobody seems to understand. He was my baby Brother & we were so close before I moved away 2 yrs ago. I just regret moving away & not being there when he died.
I feel like everyday is a challenge & I dont want to live anymore, I cant go back to work, I cant sleep on a night (but can sleep all day), I feel so lost without him. My boyfriend is keeping me going but only just, life has no meaning anymore.
It was such a blessing to find out that I am not alone. My brother, best friend and only sibling was killed in Sept of 2008 in a motorcycle accident. We buried him on his 26th birthday. What a terrible thing to deal with! We were only 16 months apart growing up so naturally we had the same friends, went to the same places and knew absolutly everything about each other. This tragedy came only one month after my wedding. The "best time of my life" came to a screetching halt only to be replaced by the pain & agony thats still here today. I constantly stare at my wedding pictures and remember the last happy days of my life. It's really hard to start a new marriage when you can't smile. I hear that time heals all things but as far as I see, time just adds to the pain. I wish everyone here the best and hope that one day we'll be reunited with our siblings.
Dear Dana,
Thank you for sharing your story and acknowledging the hurt of losing a loved one. For me death has constantly knocked on my door and sitting with the presence of my loved ones has always been a constant battle within me. Having lost a dad, 2 children and just recently my brother in July 2010, what helps me today is the love I felt inside for all of them knowing that they helped me be who I am today.
Having experienced painful losses in my life I have come to realise that.
Of course it will always hurt when I do think of them individually and the tears will often flow but it is with all my courage and strength that when I decide to sit and remember them its ok for me to do that but its also ok for me to move on as well.
Thank you and everyone for sharing your heart felt stories.
Hello
Sometimes I wonder if remembering the horror is worse than experiencing it for the first time. Two days of hell and chaos, not knowing the next sound that’s going to come out of your voice, shakes and fetal position. The worst moments are the ones when it’s the company of your own mind, stretching out into forever without a concept of neither here nor there, time a trapeze artist eluding me. I open my eyes and they ache, I close my eyes and my soul aches. I dream and see nothing, no extrasensory perceptions or otherworldly apparitions.
The real nightmare comes when the lights go down and then I ask the God I’m constantly questioning to guide him to a peaceful existence. Better perhaps, than what he had here on earth. So who’s better off now? The living or the dead?
Can you hear me now? Forgive me for everything I never spoke, because I should have. Forgive my lack of tears but I just can’t cry anymore. Here there’s a center, a deep wracking fissure in the middle of me. I’m sorry you’re never going to meet my children, or even more so, that you will never know your own. I can say with the certainty of night and day that time won’t soon cure my loss of you, or of what adventures we missed together. When I die I hope I can meet you in the river you tried so hard to save me from. I hope that my life doesn’t disappoint you, and even more so that your own doesn’t seem fruitless or mere vanity.
I’m going to remember you like a song or with a smell. A laugh or a wavering pang of imperfection. You were so perfect for me, with every mistake and petty crime. You loved me more than I will ever know, and I want you to know that I’m not mad at you. I could never cry enough for you. And I’m thinking on every person who’s waking to go and be with you one last time, your impact on them an intangible series of moments. My brother, my friend, my comrade in arms, my protector. I love you, I love you, I love you times the power of three… Though I admit I enjoy the company of shadows. And when I close my eyes at night I wonder if you’re hiding behind them.
This is the sorrow I’ll hide from the world, a rampaging rage in my lungs and dominating my heart, a barrage of clichéd infractions that only ring true now that I’ve joined the ranks of bereaved. If anything made sense before, it sure as fuck doesn’t now. Sometimes memories are so strong that the footprints are still leaving small impressions in the carpet or echoing off the walls. This grief is a solitary thing. You’re locked into it like a bad habit, you hate it and love it… but even more insidious , you take it into you over and over because its better than nothing. I would spend a thousand decisions imbibing that addiction if it gave me the certainty that I wouldn’t forget.
So nice to see we are all not alone. I lost my sister to suicide 5 weeks ago and cant even move forward with life. Everyone says take care of your mum make sure she ok everyone goes to see her flowers cards invites out to make sure she ok and im so glad of that but as the brother im left to cope no one asks how you feeling no one seems to want to check im ok i know selfish of me to think this but how do i cope how do i move on talk to people feel like iv been completly left alone in life worst feeling ever.
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It has touched my heart to know I'm not the only big sister without her baby brother. God has truly blessed me through this post.
I posted several months ago when my brother had just died. It has now been almost eight months since he was killed. And for those of you just experiencing the pain of a loss, I can tell you it has gotten easier. The pain is still a constant companion but I am more at peace with this drastic life change now. I have new regrets and challenges of course, but God is seeing me through.
Frustration has become a new emotion I'm dealing with through this. I'm frustrated with God that he didn't allow me to meet my nieces and nephews. I'll never have them now that Kyle is gone. I know that's selfish of me to regret that of all things, but I do. I'm angry that Kyle never got to raise a family.
Thank you Kristin for sharing that poem. I really identify with the things you spoke of, especially the part about hiding your sorrow from the world. I am definitely grieving that way. I try not to let myself cry in front of others. I only cry in my car by myself or on occasion with my boyfriend who loved Kyle like a brother. It's somehow easier to be strong rather than give in to what ok feeling.
I'm not sure if I'm dealing with Kyles passing in a healthy way. I'm not even sure if there is a healthy way to deal with death. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. That's how Kyle lived his life. In fact his favorite motto for his golf tournaments and basketball games was "one shot at a time." I'm trying to do it that way for him.
That's all we can do right? Just keep waking up each day and living life. I can tell you time does ease the pain, but it will never go away. The emptiness will feel less so, but it will never cease to exist. Our siblings hold such a special place in our hearts, even after death. They are part of us. I am missing a piece of myself now as are many of you. I cannot wait for the day when God calls me home and I can be reunited with my brother, with my other half. Keep hoping for that day, friends. I know that once we're on the other side, the separation will feel like it was only for a moment.
Again, thank you all so much for sharing. I will be praying for all of you.
I lost my only brother 4 years ago this month to a brain tumor. My life has moved on but not a day goes by that I don't think about my brother and still my heart aches. Everyone still asks me how my parents are doing, which is fine and it's nice people care, But it is so true though that hardly anyone asks how you are coping. It's sometimes hard to watch my friends & cousins with their brothers & sisters and hanging out with their nieces & nephews. I wish my brother had children so my kids could have had cousins to play and grow with. Life just seems a bit unfair at times. But one day him & I will meet again. It has been amazing reading all the post and I have cried from reading the first post to the last. I am so sorry for the loss you have all had.
My heart goes out to everyone here who has spoken.
I'm not really sure if anyone will even think this is relevant, but here I am 59 years old and I was 3 when I witnessed my 11 month old brother strangled in a high chair. It was during the World Series being broadcast on our new Television, and the look of terror and complete and utter agony, horror and abject shock on the face of my father as he was dialing (in those days) "Operator" is emblazoned like a searing, burning torch in my brain. The pain is incomprehensible and agonizing.
Patrick was gone? What was gone?
My developmental inability ot comprehend this tragedy was so frustrating to me that I must have decided to take the easy way out.
My mom too.
I got the bottle back. What else could she have done? This sweet girl, turned mom of 4, now a mom of 3, intolerable pain and unspeakable loss. Her baby boy, Patty.
Patrick Thomas Hogan.
Hey Pat, help me out here.
My mom gave me this poem, and it is just now, these many years later, that I realize now that I was reading that poem at age 4.
"There's a corner up in heaven,
Where the little babies play,
And Mary watches over them,
All the livelong day."
It was framed and on a little velvet easel that was standing strain on my mom's mahogany dresser, sitting next to her mirrored, gilded tray of perfume bottles.
I remember picking it up and holding it and pressing it to my face, then looking again at those words, actually reading them, tying to picture this place is heaven where my baby boy Patirck was.
hey i feel exactly the same, i just lost my brother a month ago due to a drunk driver. i was just a year older than him, he was 18 and i was 19, we shared the same birthday. he was gona get married the day he passed and everybody worries about his girlfriend, and i feel as if thats not fair. i totally understand that she is suffering as well but in a few years or so she will be able to make another boyfriend, and i will never have another brother. this is the most horrible expirience i have ever had, he was my best friend and we shared so many things. most people dont realize how hard it is for the siblings left behind, i have no idea on how to move on, i dont even want to go home. everytime i'm home i expect for him to come out of his room or for his truck to arrive. :(
I lost my oldest sister, Gilda, to cancer over 10 years ago. That loss has crippled me and most of my family. I always thought losing my mom would be the hardest. But at least she was almost 80 when she died. Gilda was 53. The manner in which she died, still haunts me to this day. The statement, time heals, well it's a crock. You just learn to deal with it or go into denial. But it never gets easier.
I was 14 when my brother died in an Go-cart accident he was 15. We were very close and I had a very hard time dealing with the reality of the situation. We were in the same grade at school and everyone thought we were twins we were inseperable. Going back to school after we laid him to rest was very hard and it was like time had stopped for me and everything was in slow motion. I did not see past my own eyes and walked around for 2 years like a zombie. I felt that no one could understand my pain and anger. I felt forgotten. Nothing in my life has compared to that moment, I lost my 2nd brother 2 years ago in a vehicle accident he was 39 and it hurt me terribly but It was a totally different experience than what I went through 23 years ago.
I cant belive there are so many similar posts, its so sad, - I posted months agao about my younger brother who was murdered, this was oct 2010, i can honestly say that as of today I am just the same, I amso so gutted, so lost , so unable to conceive whats happened to my beautiful younger brother,,, I know he was 47 but to me he is still my wee brother. He was married, and with 2 beautiful girls. and a gorgeous wife.I was amm still his sister. EVERYONE asks how my fther is coping, how his wife is coping, nver how we as siblings are coping, its mad...well, I can say that every day I cry, every day something hits me about my brother as, like his music taste, his way of life, his kids, when I last saw him, at family weddings, my own daughters wedding, then, my neices wedding, we were all together, now never,, memories,
I also remember when we were young when we played as ids, thenh when we got older, how everything changes but we still have a bond, that is unbreakable,,My father is sick, since the death ofd my brother, his only son, he cant see a reason to go on, its really hard . MY father will die of a result of my brother being murdered, I know this.. and def a lareg part of my whole families life has been changed forever.. it will never be the same. Now we wait to see what happens to the young man that murdered my brother -how the scottish judiciary how they can reduce his sentence, he is guilty, he has admitted to killing me brother, but the legal system here stinks, if one mistake is made in the trial - then he walks................
i am relieved to read all you stories guys. I wish i wouldn't have to join you sorry company, but now i have to. I am 29 years old, and my younger brother of 21 died next to me in the waves of the ocean in South-Africa. He was visiting me and we were doing a road trip along the coast. One day we went swimming. The sea took my brother away from me. Having to tell the news to my parents and coming back home was the most painful thing i have ever gone through. Tomorrow he comes home, to Belgium, and we are going say our final goodbye. I feel very bad, for myself, my brother, my parents, and my other brother and sister. He was the youngest, most promising one of our family. It is a big loss, and i think i will suffer for the rest of my days. it is good to read all of your stories. I hope you find some kind of acceptance and think back about you sibling so that he/ she will never be forgotten.
I understand how you feel.
I had lost my young sibling, in 2008.
Im 17 now, he was 9 years old at that time.
He was everything in my life, i dont have any other brothers nor sisters, and he was my only sibling.
I pass by his room every morning, with the hope that i meet him again, but i know its just impossible to revive someone, but this really makes me feel better.
I'll never forget him, and will always remember him.
Missed you bro M9abbe7 ='(
I am 25. I lost my 22yr old brother 3 weeks ago.
Jake was doing sit ups at the gym, passed out, and was never able to be brought back. The autopsy revealed a cyst in his brain which was blocking the cerebral fluid. Such a tough kid. Surely he had a headache but never one to complain. His brain swelled and shutdown his respiratory fuctions and his heart.
It's so cruel. Jake wasn't taking risks, driving like a maniac, taking drugs. He was at the gym, being fit and healthy.
Jake had been invited to attend Karate training with with top Karate senseis in Japan later this year. He was so excited about this and my heart aches when I think about him missing out on this.
The world will never be the same now that he is gone. 700 people attended Jakes funeral. How can it be right that a person who touched so many be taken away? I think about all of the horrible people in the world but the most beautiful person has been taken.
I struggle every day to comprehend how I will ever feel happy again. How can I continue without him? How long do I have to keep telling myself its real? When will my head finally understand and stop waiting for him?
I feel for anyone who is feeling what I feel. It is true agony and the cruelest part of life.
I miss you so much Jake
I miss roughing up your hair
I miss your protective ways
I miss your voice and your smell
I miss the light you brought to the room
I will get though this because I know your heart would break to see me so upset. I'm just not sure how yet.
Love you mate xxx
I lost two of my siblings in one month and one day. One expected and the other a sudden death - she was only 49 and he was 51. A big big shock. Its interesting reading all your comments. Thank you.
It's July 4 (well, was when I started reading this), two years since I got a call from my dad, "your brother Matthew has died.". I posted here a few months after, so grateful to hear I wasn't alone in my I tense suffering. Since then, life has become livable and even enjoyable again, I am writing this to give hope to those of you still living through the horror or guilt or depression or anger, please know you will eventually love life again. That said, this two year anniversary hit me u expectedly hard, and I have been weepi g all day. It's true, you expect your sibling to always be there, even if your lifestyles are very different and you dont see da other often. My brother was a beautiful human being, dependable, always there to celebrate holidays, funny, irreplaceable. I know I will be ok because I have healed so much from the shock and depression this last year, but today my heart is palpitating with tears the only relief. Always in the back of my mind is the thought "what if someone else dies, how can I take it?". It's true, if someone hasn't lost a sib, they have no idea. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Love to all of you, you are not alone and you are grieving because you love.
Hi it was 9 months this last sunday since my brother died. I posted some months ago and was not sure that I would post again, however the terrible terror in Norway made my heart go out to all the many brothers and sisters who lost their sibs on that day. I can only pray that they have the love of others to help them get through this. My days are easier and although the grief is not diminished, layers and layers of comfort have been wrapped around it to cushion the pain. To all who have posted and lost a loved one- never will we forget for a second, what we will do is learn to live the richest lives we can in memory of our siblings. My heart goes out to you all.
I JUST LOST MY OLDER BROTHER, BY 13 MONTHS ON JUNES 23, AT THE AGE OF 57. I MISS HIM TERRIBLY. I TOTALLY AGREE THAT WE ARE THE FORGOTTEN GREIVERS. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH DECEASED. JOHN WAS MY ONLY OLDER SIBLING, AND MY SUPPORT WHENEVER ANYTHING WENT WRONG OR IF I NEEDED SOMEONE TO LEAN ON. THIS TIME HES NOT HERE FOR ME. IT BREAKS MY HEART. I AM ATTENDING A SUPPORT GROUP FOR WIDOWS. I KNOW THEY ALSO THINK MY GREIF CAN'T BE LIKE THEIRS. WHY? DID I NOT LOVE MY BROTHER ENOUGH, IS HIS LIFE ANY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THEIR SPOUSES? I KNEW HIM EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, I AM NOT EVEN ANYONE'S LITTLE SISTER ANYMORE, AND IT REALLY HURTS. SOCIETY NEEDS TO START REALIZING THAT WE BROTHERS AND SISTERS GREIVE TOO. DON'T IGNORE US.
My deepest sympathies to all who have experienced the loss of a sibling. I am comforted by the fact that I'm not alone, that we all are not alone in grief. My big brother passed away unexpectedly at 26. It's been about a year and a half now. It felt, and still feels like someone punched me in the heart and stomach every day. God Bless to all of you and your loved ones.
Thanks so much for all the comments. I lost my 26 year old brother 16 days ago. I feel so alone. We meant the world to me. I feel that no one understands. I just want him back.
Thanks for this interesting posting. Fortunately there are some useful support groups out there that you may not know about. The best one I know of is www.adultsiblinggrief.com - it's where I find the most support and where I can in turn support others. The founder of the site (a sibling loss survivor) wrote THE book on the topic. Her name is TJ Wray and I thank God for the book and the site.
I(27) lost my big brother(31) 9 days ago to a massive heart attack, I am trying my best to be strong but it hurts so much. He has a 4 year old son. It feels like a week went past in a blink of an eye, I am gna miss him so much, my family is taking it so hard so i have to try and be the strong 1. I keep hearing my moms pannicking voice saying my brother collapsed at home they waiting for the ambulance, we rushed there, but it was to late. When the ambulance finaly got there he had already past away 10 minutes. We had waited almost 2 hours with his body on my moms bedroom floor for the corroner van. It was the worst night of my life, being so helpless!
Tanya, I'm so sorry; I'm 20 years old. I lost my big brother April 28th 2011, two weeks before he was supposed to graduate from college. He was on his way up to visit his birth sister (We're adopted). He was killed in a motorcycle crash instantly. He was wearing his helmet and jacket and was sober, but. . . he had a tendency to speed, alot. And this wasn't the first time he'd crashed. The first time it happened; some girl wasn't paying attention/ texting or something; it was late at night and she hit hit him with her car, and he landed on the hood; the bike was completley wrecked; but he was able to get up *that time*. This time he wasn't. I can't imagine what it must have been like for my parents. Police were at their door at 4 a.m. to tell them my brother had died. I can't even picture their state of mind when they had to drive up to my college and tell me what had happened. I was in complete shock, and I was an empty shell the next few days. One of the worst parts was flying down to florida, and packing up hi apartment, and seeing all of his motorcycle stuff lying out; knowing that not 2 days before, he was alive and working on these things. I kept expecting him to walk through the door. I felt like my soul had been sucked right out of me. I had only talked to him not 8 days before; and the last thing he said to me was,"Hey I gotta go, I've got a motorcycle meeting; but I'll call you later this week. . . Love you too, Bye." I can definitley relate to the be strong for your parents thing. I know people meant well, but I felt the worst pressure in the world when people would say things like that. One woman in particular said to me, "You're your parents brightest shining star now." I felt sick to my stomach when she said that. My mom told me later, that that comment made her really upset; and my dad too, when he heard about it. They said, "The 3 of are a team. It's not your job to fix this, What she said wasn't fair of her at all. There is no "fixing" this." And it's true. His birthday's coming up, On Nov. 3rd he would have been 22. I really feel for his college roommate who was with him, all 4 years that they were in college. They clicked instantly. And above all else, they were the brothers each other never had growing up. I've been communicating with his roommate ever since; He's become a brother to me, which I think is what mine would have wanted. When I talk to him; I know I'm remembering the same person; our brother. I have good days and bad days. Little things can suddenly make me really sad; sometimes especially now that I'm back at college for my junior year; it occurs to me how much he's going to miss. He won't be able to come up and visit me; and he won't be able to see me graduate. But I don't mind talking about my brother if people ask. I find myself often mentioning him. that was another thing; I felt almost as if I was crushing the mood by bringing him up; but he was apart of my life; I'd always mentioned him before, and that shouldn't change now.
This article was worded so perfectly i feel there is no support out there for siblings. My baby brother was stillborn which means he was born into heaven. I was 10 at the time and even now at 17 i haven't come to terms with him not being here with us. Every night a sit in my room and look up at the stars and think about how i never got to see him, hold him, see him smile, cry, walk, talk or anything else. he never got to take a breath in this world. and even at 10 years old nobody asked me how i felt. i was 'too young to understand' in everybody elses eyes, all they wanted to know was how were my parents coping. at this time i had 2 other younger brothers, that meant that i had to be strong for them too because they didnt understand. People dont understand how hard it is being just a child yourself and having to explain to 2 young children that he wasnt here anymore but will be watching us from the sky, because its so hard. But nobody cared, its not fair siblings grieve too, at least my parents got support, i got nothing.
this is so true. my only sibling, cy, died in a wreck on 11/27/10- the 1 year anniversary is coming up, and i stil feel like i am still at the scene of the accident. he would be 19 now and i am 21. im a student and it is so hard trying to grow up and find my place in life with all the pain on my heart. and its weird being somewhere where no one even knows what happened. i cant lie- i do sometimes resent the "how are your parents"... only because they are surrounded by the rest of our family and a whole town that is mourning with them, while im at school trying to figure any sense out of life. we love eachother so much and we talk all the time, but the question gets on my nerves, thanks for the article made me feel better to see it made concrete
My only sibling/brother died aged 28 years 4 weeks ago very suddenly of a heart attack. I'm 31 yrs old and lucky have a husband and 2 beautiful girls, but i'm just so sad, i loved my brother so much, we did everything together. I feel in a way i have lost more than my parents as I had another 50 yrs with him and they probably only had another 25yrs. Also everyone is also asking me "how are my parents doing". it's only been such a short time still, how long does it take to feel a bit better??? i hope we can come out of this.
That article summed up a lot of what I've been thinking the past three years. I lost my big brother on 16th July 2008 to cancer. He was 20,I was 15. The sheer emptiness I feel everyday is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I don't consider myself an only child, although it was only my brother and I. I try to continue to support my parents but often feel I can't be sad because it was their son. I find it easier to confined in friends because they just listen and aren't going through the same thing. For three years I felt that I was the only one feeling this void in my life without my brother. My future is bright but will never be as bright as it could have been with my brother. I am a different person because of what happened and everything I do, I do for both of us now... X x
This really sums up my feelings. I recently lost my older brother. Since the moment I was born he's been in my life. And of course losing a child is a terrible thing for my parents but for me and my other two brothers losing our oldest brother has forever altered our lives too. We'll never have another Christmas with him. Future family weddings...he won't be there. Someday as we have children they won't get to know their uncle, they'll only have pictures and get to hear our stories. He was the 'head' of me and my other two brothers, and while I'm not a parent and I've never lost a child I think the loss of a sibling is just as momumental and life-changing.
I'm glad I'm not alone...I lost my older brother on June 3rd. I miss him each and every day.
My only sibling has been diagnosed with secondary brain cancer. Prognosis.... death soon.....I think I am about to to go crazy with the pain. I never thought I would say this but...I am glad that he wants to be cremated cause I hate the thought of him lying under the ground in a cold grave. He wants me to spread his ashes over the gulf he loves the water...His final request will go undone he wants me to" buy some weed and mix it with a few remaining ashes keep it in a budweiser beer can and know that he had an awesome journey enroute to his final destination" A brighter star will forever shine... GO on...I'll be okay...never the same... but okay
I lost my Big sister in a car accident when she was 7 years old, It led my mum to sever depression ending her up in a secure unit for 2 years off my life. Recently my big brother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has 2 months to live
i lost my little sister in a tragic flight accident last week she was only 19 and so beautiful and so much going for her. i feel so shocke like dont know my self and what to do with my self
I am reading this as the 9th anniversary of my sister's death just passed. She died of cancer and she was my big sister by many years. I miss her terribly every day even though so much time has passed. This year, I was berated by one of her children for how I grieve because I remember the day that she died. I also remember her birthday and the way that she loved holidays. I know that her child misses her, but he has no right to tell me how to remember her. To all of you, the pain and grief become more manageable. You still miss your sibling, but you find solace in the great memories that you have of the time that you had together. Thank you all for your posts. I know this is a painful time for all of you.
I lost my older sister Melissa 9 years ago to a drug overdose. She was 20 years old, I was just 14. I still find myself trying to grieve, trying to find ways to move on with my life. I go to therapy and am trying to sift through the anger, guilt, depression, anxiety..I feel like I'll never be able to talk about her without crying. The guilt is horrible, thinking about what i could have said or done differently, the anger at her and at those that hurt her..I feel for every one of you who has lost a sibling. I'm now an only child, trying to cope with my feelings and to help my mother cope with hers. I know all about the role reversal many of you wrote about. I wish you all the best, we will get through this, even if it takes awhile.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.
My story involves the loss of my brother 42 years ago, when I was just 5. It was an accidental drowning death when he was just 7 and we never did find out exactly what happened, other than he was with a friend and his father.
Agree that there was no support for sibling death then as the general consensus at that time was to just pick up and carry on with life as best as one could; to bury your feelings and never to discuss "it". My parents tried their best to carry on with day-to-day tasks, but depression was prevalent in our household and laughter was almost non-existent.
Teenage years were extremely rebellious with much drinking and drugs to in effect numb the pain.
However, my story ultimately has a positive outcome and I felt compelled to write to encourage others to please not give into despair.
At least there has been some progress made in the past few decades because now at least people are talking about their pain, and we know there is much comfort and support in sharing our stories with others who have experienced similar loss. Definitely agree that this is a unique type of grief, but what everyone who has posted must realize is that they are truly helping others by sharing their personal story.
If anything good can come from an experience such as this, its that usually people develop an extreme degree of compassion to others. Please know as well that it is possible to not just be a survivor of this experience, but eventually life does become better and its possible to come to a point where you are truly healthy in mind, body and spirit and you are living life to the fullest once again.
For me, the greatest source of strength and comfort was my faith in God and the amazing people that He has placed in my life along my journey. This is definitely a long process, but ultimately the strength and love that He provides can help anyone overcome any traumatic event, to the point where you feel complete and ultimately a strong yet sensitive individual who will be of much support to others in your own personal journey.
God bless everyone.
I feel a bit of relief reading what you wrote, as I have started my search for some answers as to when the pain will go away from losing my only brother in a car accident. The sad thing is, it has been ten years now and I am still at this point of loss without him, unable to move on with my life. It seems like I cannot complete anything in my life without him as I have failed in college, relationships, and work life due to this grief that I wake up with every morning that he isn't here.
Now I feel like I have to do research on my own to figure out what is wrong with me and how I can cope with it, that is why I came across your post, which I truly appreciate and understand the words that were said. I cannot say I experienced the same thing as you, but my brother was my best friend, my parent (due to an unstable family), and really the only person I could truly rely on and confide in. He was three years older than me and we spent every moment together even though at times he hated having someone to drag around, haha.
I was 18 when the accident happened, and I just spent that night with him. He was just visiting home to see family and friends and late that night he drove off the road and we are not sure the cause of it, whether it was alcohol, swerving for a deer, or just fell asleep at the wheel. That next morning my whole life change forever and hasn't been the same since.
I have not found any answers after ten years and people have told me to just move on with my life but I've tried and failed. The research I have done and counseling I have gone through really sheds no light on loss like this and a solution. I have tried to just "man-up" and ignore the pain but some days are so hard to get out of bed that I would rather ignore all responsibility just so I can have a good dream with him there or without the feeling of loss.
After reading your post though, like I said, I felt a bit of relief because to know someone else has felt the same type of loss and agrees that it is just as difficult coping with as it is for any parent. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts, take care.
My biggest fear now, is losing my mom and dad the way I lost my brother in the motorcycle crash. When I was a freshmen in college I was more than a little nervous about leaving home. I don't like straying far.
Part of what kills me the most,(Mentioned in the post before) I only got to see him one day in March during spring break and then I had to leave while he had just started his. I only heard his voice once on a phone call after that 8 days before he died.
And the kicker was I was at school 14 hours away and couldn't do anything. I'm only 2 hours away from my parents but it's the notion that I might not be there if something happens that scares me.
Another thing, I really want to talk to his group of friends he had, because I feel like I missed a huge chunk of his life during High school because as siblings, we were allergic to each others presence during that "tende" age. But I feel like I'm just his "little sister" to them still, like the tagalong.
My mom said, I'll have to make the first move because they probably think that I don't want to talk about him, which isn't true; I bring him up all the time. But. . . I feel like his friends can all lean on each other for comfort because they were all friends with Sean, but there's only one of me. I can't relate to my parents grief, because I've never had children, and hopefully won't for a good decade or so.
The only other person I know (Personally) that lost an older brother to cancer 8 years ago, and his brother had cancer for a number of years before finally succumbing. I don't want to bring up such painful wounds for him, even though he doesn't seem to mind.
That's why I'm glad that there's this website. And sad, I wish none of you had to lose your sibling(s) and I'm so sorry. Please know that you are not alone. Perhaps our siblings are all conversing with each other right now in the afterlife or whatever happy place they're in as we speak. Hopefully they'll know they're not alone, just as we are discovering as well that we're not alone.
I lost my brother almost a month ago - on New Year's Eve, 2011. I started my year out planning my 32-year-old brother's funeral. Massive Heart Attack. He was a health nut and watched what he ate. What in the world ?
This has to be the most traumatic experience of my life - of my families life. We are incredibly close, so close in fact, that my siblings and I would call one another on four way and talk about everything, but nothing all at once. We would wait to break whatever news that was going on in our lives, until we could get the siblings on the phone. We wanted to hear one another's reaction. Now, one person is missing from that phone conversation. There were 5 of us. Still weird to think about.
No more calls, hearty laughs, tight hugs or sarcastic jokes. It sucks. A majority of my family lives in one state, I'm in practically on the othe side of the country. I call home, so often I annoy myself. I'm paranoid that something else will happen. Is that normal?
I appreciate this article and to see the responses. It's great to know that I'm not alone.
My brother was the most caring, sensitive, stubborn, but protective person I know. He was a gem, and most importantly my friend. A few years older, but still my big brosky.
I can relate to your feelings. I lost my brother on October 4, 2011. Very sad day.
i lost my lovely brother on the 5th jan 2012 i know its early days for me an my family but im really struggling to cope wiv how he died, he went in to hospital for an operation which went fine then caught newmonia an ended up in intensive care where he managed to get through that, but then caught a bug in hospital which then beat him, im finding it very hard to understand the fact that im not going to see him again he was only 49
My beautiful youngest sister died of cancer at the age of 39, in October 2011. She was twelve years younger than me but we were always partners. She was my best friend. We shared everything, good and bad. We laughed, cried, fought, cheered for our Broncos, and loved each other through life. I have three other sisters that I love very much but the bond I had with this sister was irreplaceable. I agree with each of you, life will never be the same. I feel empty, a void, even my faith has been challenged at times. No other relationship can compare because I never shared with anyone, what I shared with her. I know my other sisters feel the same because she meant so much to all of us. We all agree she was the best of us. I believe that the bond of siblings cannot be compared to anything else. We are there for each other from day one. I cry all the time, I find no joy in anything, I go through the motions of life hoping the pain will end but it doesn't. I know my sister would be so mad at me. She even told us at the end, no tears. Sorry sis.
I feel the exact same way. I lost my brother on October 10, 2011. That was one of the worst, if not THE worst, days of my life. He was only 21. And though he was so young the death certificate says "chronic alcoholism". We all knew my brother drank, but not to that extent. I feel like we could have made a difference. If anyone would like to talk to me feel free to email me bluemonkeycb@yahoo.com I would love to have someone to talk to.
Hi Dana.
I am truly sorry for your loss. You are absolutely right. Siblings are often referred to as the forgotten grievers and people often do not realize that the grief you are suffering from right now is excruciatingly painful and deserves to be recognized.
However, I must disagree with you on your other point. No matter how badly you feel right now, your parent's grief is a thousand times worse. I do not have children. I am only 20 years old but I have a younger brother and two loving parents. If anything happened to my brother, I would be devastated, but that pain is nothing compared to what my parents would feel. After all, they were the ones who raised him, fed him, took care of him when he was sick. It is against nature for parents to outlive their children.
From the moment of your child's conception, your ultimate role in life is to protect the welfare and wellbeing of your child. The loss of one's son or daughter would be gutwrenching.
Again, this is not to discount your own sibling grief. I myself would know how I would feel if my brother passed away before me. But nothing compares to the loss of a child.
My youngest brother took his own life boxing day. I feel like Iam locked in a room of agony with no key to get out. Like everyone has been saying, sibling relationships often seem to be off lesser importance than say parent/child relationship, it's not that it's less important, rather it is just different.The sibling relationship is often the longest relationship that we will ever have during our lifetime. I have this huge gaping hole in my heart, and I would give anything to have my brother back.
My sister died last Friday morning. A massive brain haemorrhage with no warning signs - seh was 39 and it is such a shock. Louise was just a very kind, thoughtful person and I miss her so much. She leaves a lovely husband behind and I don't know how to help him and my parents and my little brother. I don't know how to help myself. So sorry for everyone's losses posted - it is nice not to feel alone as no-one seems to understand x
For Wilson from 3 days ago. I don't know why you would even be on this sight except to insight conflict. You have not lost your brother so I promise you, you have no idea how we feel. Yes, parents raise their children but siblings usually have a closer relationship even after they leave home. This is not intended to reduce the measure of pain a parent feels but to say that a siblings pain is unbearable as well. Have a little compassion and don't belittle others until you've experienced something yourself and.... pray you don't have to experience losing your brother. I promise, you would never be the same.
...why are you on this site?
Agreeing with the poster above, this is a place for those of us who've lost siblings, to read and relate with others.
Sometimes, it feels like you are alone in this emotional battle. So, instead of speaking on something that you know ABSOLUTELY nothing about, please take your rhetoric where it is merited and needed. Which is not here.
Oh and by the way, I PRAY you NEVER have to lose your one and only sibling. It's an unfathomable and sometimes nauseating pain.
Please please take heed anyone posting on this site, don't do it if you have not lost a sibling. This site gives comfort to us and we know that others share our pain. By all means read the posts and empathize, but do not tell us how our grief is or is not....its personal, unique and more painful that you can imagine unless you have lost a sibling. Also don't even imagine what it is like...love your precious sibling, count your blessings and make the most of your life together. 16 months since my brother died and I miss him every day, love to all those who have lost their sibling, lets hope this site continues to offer comfort without unwanted posts from insensitive ignorant voyeurs with no useful purpose here.
My sister has been gone almost five months and I am still having a tough time. Some days it's not as bad, maybe cry only five or six times. Other days I stay in bed and cry all day. I am finally thinking about visiting her family (in another state). Her husband is raising their two young daughters. I want to hug her girls because they are the only physical part of her left behind. I am worried about walking into her home though; seeing the chair she sat in, the kitchen where she baked her delicious thanksgiving dinner, the things I helped her shop for, ... she won't be there. Will I be able to handle it?
I am glad i came across this. I just lost my only brother about a week and a half ago to a drug overdose. he was only 21 years old, im 25. i know its early in my grieving but this was so sudden and we had no idea. he was such an amazing individual who had so much to strive for in is future. i agree with this article completely. i feel so lost..and it hurts thinking about being the one left behind. if anyone wants to talk, feel free to email me, skacillas@gmail.com
Reading this really Helped me. My younger sister and i talk about this all the time. January 15th of this year(2012) our little sister died suddenly. She was only 17. It seems like the more time that goes on the harder its getting. I feel like even my parents don't understand how my sister and i are feeling... or that they think that were not hurting as bad. but really we are. Theres not a day that goes by that i dont cry. Theres so many things that remind me of her. I feel like i can't talk to my parents about how i feel because they're already going through so much and i don't want them to feel even more hurt because of me. We own a family business and we almost all work there and so many people have stuff to say to my parents but feel like its not there place to say anything or ask what they're thinking so they come find me since im the oldest child. So i feel like i have to be twice as strong. I got a week off work when my sister died then got thrown right back into a full schedual. only my dad and i have had to back to work and im the only full time one. I feel sooo stressed out. acouple weeks ago i forgot to do an order for the store and my dad was so upset with me. I didn't mean to theres just so much going on. Its just never ending. My sister was supposed to graduate this june... her grad ring came in the mail last week. as week as her grad jacket. I just don't understand how people this young are supposed to deal with this much pressure/stress. I'm only 24 and my other sister is 21... were sooo lost without our baby sister... and we feel so not included
Hi,
My name is Lawren and I lost my brother Shawn August 20th 2011 almost 7 months ago now. He was only 27 and I was 28 when he passed. He had a liver condition since birth that went undetected and pretty much came obviously on July 30th and on August 4th I took him to the Emergency room due to being jaundice and have asities in his belly and within 16 days he was gone...We were so close...not only brother and sister but, best friends. Closer than close. I cry every single day and I feel like no-one knows what I am going through. My dad passed away when we were younger so now all I have is my mom and she won't talk to me about it. She delat with losing her sister when she was 9 so she thinks that she can just "handle" this without talking to me or a professional about it which I don't think is a good idea. I am the type to keep it all in and then explode. I was actually told by certain family members that "I should be over this by now" which I don't think I will ever be over it. It will always hurt. I still feeling like I am living in a horrible nightmare. I can't even look as his photos without crying hysterically. I don't doubt and I am not inconsiderate to a parent or parents losing a child as I can completely get that it's complete devastation but, Sibling closeness and that bond is nothing what parents have with their children. Siblings are completely honest with one another. Shawn and I had no secrets no matter how we thought the other would react. No matter what we did good or bad we told each other everything!!! We talked everyday if not numerous times a day. My wedding was 42 days after my brother past away. I was planning my wedding for 2 years and in that whole time my baby brother shawn was walking me down the aisle and then he passes away. My father was already gone so he took such pride to be giving me away and then he gets so sick and then he is gone. My brother was so sick during the 16 days in ICU that I didn't even have any conversations with him. His liver failed so he wasn't filtering any toxins so everything bad was going to his brain...it was horrible to watch. I was with him when he took his last breath which was precious and devasatating all in one. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I don't know what I am doing..I am just going through the motions of day to day. I am not working. I have emotional outbursts all the time. I am so empty now. I am forever changed with my brother & best friend gone. I could go on and on but, I just want someone who has been through this to talk to. Even my friends that have brothers don't get it since they don't have a close relationship with their siblings. I will never be the same Lawren I once was before this all happened. I don't know if I can be truly happy again. I am newly married and I love my husband but, he is an only child so he doesn't get it at all. He loved shawn too and he tries to understand and he is so supportive but, it's not enough. I want him back. It was too soon. We had plans as brother and sister. We shared every part of our lives. He stayed with me all the time at my place. we did so much for each other. If anyone has a similar brother/sister , close in age story like mine please feel free to email me. it would be nice to have a friend via email we could chat and help each other maybe. My email address is : LawrenPassalaqua@Hotmail.Com ** Also people whom haven't lost a brother or sister and thinks that they can say how we all feel has no right to even comment or post on this feed! PLEASE STAY AWAY IF YOU HAVEN'T LOST A SIBLING! You cannot imagine or begin to imagine what this pain feels like!!! Being a parent or being a sibling is two different pains but, as a sister who lost her brother I think it's worse and no-one cares about the siblings feelings. It's all about my mom's feelings who isn't even dealing with it and lie it's a burden relieve that he is gone so please if you haven't experienced a sibling's death ...DO NOT COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!
***Adding to last post****PLEASE ADD TO MY LAST POST (Shawn 27 yr old brother passed))
**It's like it's relief of a burden now that he is gone. Now she doesn't have to deal with my brother. He relied on us a lot but, I enjoyed being able to help him but, my mom complained about it constantly so honestly i think she feels relieved but, that's just how I feel
Hi everyone,
I stumbled upon all of your writings while trying to find a cure for myself on how to deal with the loss of a sibling. I lost my 26 year old brother to leukemia 19 months ago. I was 35 at the time. Throughout his 4 year gruesome battle, I watched him go through several bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps, a stem cell transplant, several brain surgeries, chemo, radiation and so much more. Never did he once complain. He fought for us, his family, so we wouldn't have to go through the heartbreak of losing him. July 28th, 2010 his body finally said "enough"! He silently slipped away. I had to watch my baby brother die.
For those who ask whether or not we will ever heal; I truly don't have an answer. In fact, I can say I doubt it. After 19 months, I still feel excruciating pain in my heart when I think of him. Almost to the point that I don't want to think of him because I feel like I'm going to suffocate. I still can't talk about him without crying and I still can't look at his pictures. The only vision I have of him is in the hospital taking his final breath.
I miss him so much.
Thank you all of you for sharing your stories. We are the only ones who can actually understand what we truly are all going through.
I feel exactly how you do Im 14 and I lost my big brother last year few days before my bday my brother was everything to me he was my best friend and I never get asked how I am it's always how is ur mum and dad never me :/!!
What a great article, I'm sorry to say but my younger sister died an astonishing 26 years ago! She was 3, I was 9 at the time and had no support at all. I'm sorry to say it doesn't really get easier you just learn to push your feelings to one side and live your life but sure enough now and again they come flooding back.
I'm having a hard time at the moment, my mum had a severe stroke 3 years ago which has left her very debilitated and my dad died of cancer last summer. My emotions are all over the place I just feel an immense sense of loss and nowhere to turn, but I'll cry it out overnight get up in the morning deal with my kids and their needs and put that brave face on because what's the alternative???? :( death sucks!
It is so nice to read all of these comments and articles and know that people feel the way I do. Society, the ones who have not lost a sibling, does not understand that my pain of losing my brother will last forever. I feel as if they simple strugge it off. I too always got the question of how my parents are holding up. It made me feel like I should not feel the feelings I felt and created a way of coping by just holding it all in until I couldn't any longer.
My brother was 18 when he died in a drinking a driving car accident. He was the only one who passed in the car. His birthday was 9 days later which makes February one of the single hardest months every year. Although, it is the shortest it feels like the longest. I was just going to turn 13 the next month. It has been 10 years now that he has been gone and I find myself being as sad as the day I found out he died. Lately I have felt so emotional and I miss him all the time. Its hard going through this alone. I talk to my parents but it just upsets them for me to talk about it and they, like many others, have nothing to say some times talking to them just makes me feel more alone.
I am so happy I ran pass this article because it makes me feel at peace with knowing it is okay to miss him. As long as I keep living that is the best I can do. Losing my brother has not hindered my quality of living I think it might have forced me to do as much as possible and not take things for granted. Its just hard knowing I wil miss him forever. I am only 22 just about 23 and I feel as if I am not as young as I seem. When I was 12 it was hard for me to hangout with kids my own age because you grow up so quickly and see the world for what is important. Over the years I have been better at dealing with the grief and miss him but this article helps though. Its nice to not feel alone. If anyone would ever like to talk email me at: brittniwedel@gmail.com
Wilson,
I have to disagree with you. Consider yourself so lucky that you have not only both parents, but your siblings as well. Though I appreciate how you said not to discredit our grief, and that you pointed out we are "Forgotten Grievers" I admit I was hurt by your comment of how quoting you,
"No matter how badly you feel right now, your parent's grief is a thousand times worse."
Do you think we are blind? Do you think that I don't see how much pain my parents are in? I have NEVER seen my Dad cry before we lost Sean, and seeing him cry now, in devastating and it shakes my foundation. My dad is a very strong man. And seeing him so crushed hurts like you would not believe. Seeing my mother in tears also cuts me deeper than you could ever know.
But who are you to put a number or any form of value on the grief we feel?
Pain is SO sujective.
There is no set rule that says one person's grief is different than anothers. For my parents personally, they had suffered many miscarriages before being able to adopt both my brother and I, so for them especially, I know that losing Sean was crushing. We were nothing short of absolutley lucky to have come together as a family in the short amount of time that we did.
But that bieng said, where do you come off, as someone that not only is not a parent; but has also never lost a sibling how much "worse" our parents feel? You're right, you can't possibly compare to a parent's loss or a siblings loss because, you have NEVER lost one, so what would you know anything about it?
Also you never "know" just how badly a loss of a sibling will crush you until you actually lose one. Naturally you can say that you would be extremely sad and cry, or maybe you wouldn't. But you don't realize the gravity of the idea that someone close to your age is gone forever. You'll never hear their voice again. It is an ugly void to be trapped in.You also have no idea what not just losing a sibling does, but watching your parents grief, and KNOWING that you can do NOTHING to fix it does to the children who are left behind. Because we know that the only one who can "fix" it is the sibling that has died, and they can't.
And while you have a point, Parents outliving a child is a sick form of unimaginable cruelty; what about a younger sibling outliving an older one? Don't discount the idea that that notion isn't just as cruel either.
My parents themselves said, that neither grief is greater; it is just different.All of us on this site have lost siblings at different ages, in horrible different ways, and therefore it effects us differently, but who am I to say that I hurt more than them? What about the one's who have lost more than one sibling?
Now,admittedly sometimes, I do get briefly angered when I see some of his friends posting about how much they miss him or how devestated they are, or how much of a nightmare they are in without him. And sometimes I do think, "What are you complaining for? You lost a friend, I lost a friend and a brother all in one."
But then I remember that they, like you are just LUCKY to have never had something like that happen to them. Hopefully your luck will never run out, because, after that, all you have left are memories.
gt and everyone, I'm giving you guys the biggest hug right now. I wish I could take each and everyone of your pains away.
gt, I know exactly what you mean, when you said, you're
"worried about walking into her home though; seeing the chair she sat in, the kitchen where she baked her delicious thanksgiving dinner, the things I helped her shop for, ... she won't be there. Will I be able to handle it?"
We moved about a year before my brother died from a house that we had lived in for 20 years, so i guess you could say, we were "lucky" enough to not have lived in our old house when it had happened otherwise, I can't even imagine. . . I have billions of memories of my brother and I sledding in our backyard on snow days, sliding down the stairs in the laundry baskets (not the smartest idea!)
But I do remember when we flew down to Florida to clear out his apartment he'd been living in at the time while going to college, it was extremely hard to walk in and see his things lying around, like his dirty laundry, and the motorcycle parts he'd been working on lying on his nightstand a mere 2 days before alive and well.
Admittedly, it had a lasting impression upon me, cleaning his apartment for me, was probably one of the worst experiences of my life, especially because I kept expecting him to walk through the door and ask what I was doing going through his games or whatever. Because he'd been alive 2 days before.
But again it might be because we moved to a new house, and because everthing in our new house was in different places with different arangements why it's been slightly easier. But, I guess where I'm going with this, is that I understand what it's like to have to go throught their stuff. It'll be hard, and unfortunatley it'll probably really hard, and like me you may have several huge cries at unpredictable moments. Sometimes still it's hard to look at the place where he always sat at dinner which was right across from me, and see it empty. My advise is to maybe switch around seating order, so that their vacant place isn't so apparent, and maybe just take it slowly when looking or passing through their place. You'll get bittersweet memories too; you may come across old mementos that'll remind you of happy times or silly times.
I do remember in the midst of cleaning his apartment, my mom suddenly commented, "Oh Sean, where's your vaccum?" And then she saw a wall of dirty clothes piled up and said, "Apparently he didn't believe in a laundry basket either" And she rolled her eyes, and suddenly we started laughing, because she said, "Oh gosh, it smells so bad, With all The dog's "messes", I don't think I can tell what the rug color is." But she was laughing, and we were laughing because we knew he had a habit of shoving his stuff under the bed and christening the room clean, and how his laundry would ALWAYS cover the floor."
Sorry, I'm rambling. But I guess I also just wanted to share that you will have happier moments too. You're not alone, and the same goes for all the rest of us who have posted. I wish you guys all the best.
My brother died from illness on 11/29, he had turned 54
10/19, I had turned 57 on 11/7. His whole life keeps playing in my mind. My only brother, we have a younger sister. We had a pact that no matter what we would stay together. I told him because he had been so sick so many times that he would have to care for me when I got older.
The memory of how much he suffered breaks my heart every day, his death is not a comfort to me it is the last shard of hope crushed. We fought so hard for his life. He had no wife, children. I never had children. Before he was born my mother told me he was our baby. He was. Both parents have been gone a long time, they died fairly young. I am the oldest immediate relative, its not a good feeling. I have cried as I read every story here and hoped for everyone a measure of peace in their sorrow. Remember they loved you too and what they would want for you.
I lost my brother 17 days ago, his wife came of nights and found him dead in bed, he was only 58, i am older by 18months. I just cannot believe hes gone i cant stop crying i keep looking at photos of him and playing his favourite music. I have never felt pain like this in mylife. I feel so sorry for him as well cos i know he wouldnt of wanted to leave his wife they where sole mates, my heart goes out to her she just looks so lost. My parents are both elderly and seeing their pain is heart breaking. I have a younger brother and a very younger sister whom i love dearly but paul was the brother closest to me we had the same friends we even used to go out drinking together in our younger days. I want him to come back to me, i keep asking him why did he leave us. I have got really angry with my husband for no reason then i feel so guilty cos he is not a well man and i nearly lost him at the begining of the year. I really dont no why i am writing this. I just need help to understand it all cos i feel so lost, i want my brother back.
Hi everyone, I lost my 51 year old brother a month ago. He was swimming with his daughter when hit by two guys showing off on a jet ski. I got to say goodbye to him before they turned off his life support . Some days I am ok but I feel guilty when I do. I am angry then sad but mostly I can't believe it. My parents are in their eighties and are a total mess however,when they die I will have no one left. Reading everyone's thoughts have helped me- thanks
I just came across this thread. I am so glad I did. My younger son went missing 8 weeks ago and his body was recovered 2 weeks ago. He was 19 years old and his death is assumed to be suicide. I have no idea how to deal with this and the hardest part is trying to figure out how to get my other son, who is 22 years old, through this time. I know he is doing everything he can to be strong for me, to the extent that he seems afraid to show his grief in case he upsets me. I'm trying to be strong for him. He has lost his only sibling. How on earth can I help him cope? How can he come to terms with not having his baby brother as his best man when he gets married? Who does he call when he needs help his computer? (My younger son was an absolute genius at all things technical!) Who will fight his corner against me when I piss him off? (Yes...they did that for each other!)
I lost my brother and only sibling Alan John Hartney to a drunk driver on the 12 September 2012 at about 7:30. I miss him. Even three years on I still break down when I think of him and what he still had to do. He was 33, not married and had no children. We really only had our Mom as our Father was not the best of fathers. I always pray that my Mom goes before me. I can't stand the thought of her suffering if I go before her. I would rather take the pain. I am married and have two sons but sometimes I feel so alone. It just takes a familiar smell or sound etc that reminds me of my baby brother to trigger an emotion. I hate it but am accepting that it is part of life
Thank you for this x all so true. Just lost my 32 year old brother to cancer, feel like a bedrock in my life has been removed. I've read some great books on loss and grieving but only til I read this did I realise that other people are going through the same experiences unique to the sibling, thank you and bless you all suffering great heart ache
I was ten when I lost my sister who was four. She died of an obscure virus. She was taken from us in ten days. I was left with two grieving parents and felt isolated and alone.
The loss of a child is a devasting event which blights the lives of those involved. My whole life has been shaped and influenced by this event and I regret to say as I get older now 56 things don't seem to get any easier.
I have tried counselling CBT and even though I have a full understanding of what I went through and the effects it has had on my life I still suffer from depression.
I dont know where this experince will take me as an individual I do however fear for my future and there are moments when I can't cope with life.
I have two beautiful children and a wonderful wife but in spite of all this there is a deep dark void which I have to live with.
One has just to learn to cope, sad but that is my lot.
Im not sure if the writter of this posting still receives these comments but I appreciate your view on this topic very much. My 2 older brothers passed away when I was 16 (almost 10 years ago now) and the lack of support systems for siblings dealing with grief is a real dissapointment. I agree that in some ways dealing with the lost of a sibling (or in my case 2) is more difficult than what our parents face. In my case, I feel like I lost my entire family that day. My mother will never be the same and never treat me the same either. I had to go from being a teenager to being an adult overnight and with little support. I constantly am asked how they are doing but no one asks me. Truth is I dont think I have had the chance to grieve and deal with the loss of my only two brothers. In the meantime my parents divorced and one of the hardest things I face is the fact that I dont have siblings to help me through this difficult experience. It would be great if there was an online grief support system for siblings dealing with grief. In the meantime keep writting about your experiences.... it helps.
dasmart@hotmail.ca
I have never cried so much, but in the past year all I have wanted to do is cry. My brother past away 13 months ago. He is constantly running through my head. We were never that close but we had our inside jokes and we had our memories. I moved across the country just to escape some of the pain but it never seems to fade. And then I know I am messed up because when I feel happy I feel guilty. Why should I be happy when my brother can't be? Why should I live and not him? Now I am not suicidal so don't worry but why him is all I ask. They say he could have walked away with nothing but a headache if someone had just gotten there earlier. And he was less than a mile from my house. Why?
Thank you for these stories. They were hard to read through the tears but they help relieve some feelings. For the rest of you, I am sorry that all of you had to go through this. And for those of you that have lost a sibling and a child in your life I wish to give the greatest hug, because how dont know how you face each day. I feel like my world is still falling.
Clodauge I'm so so sorry for the loss of your son. Your sons are about the same age difference as me and my brother were. I'm so sorry for your other son as well, I too have often thought of how my brother is not going to be there at my wedding if I get married, I had often pictured both my father and my brother both walking me down the isle. It was particularly hard for me when we went to a family friend's wedding, and we saw the "mother groom dance".
I've never met your son, but you may be right about him not wanting to upset you with his grief, I often try not to cry because nothing cuts me deeper then seeing my parents cry, and I wish more than anything else that I could do something. The only person who could make it all better is the person who is no longer here.
I'm so so sorry for your famil; I don't know what it's like to lose someone to suicide, and I pray I never do. Again, words cannot express how sorry I am that you have gone through that. I know words don't do much of anything especially when dealing with such a huge loss, but I truly am sorry. My brother died in a motorcycle crash, it was an accident, I think he misjudged the distance between him and the van, but he had a notorious habit for speeding. It was a horrible shock for our family, especially because we were going to see him graduate from college 2 weeks later.
Again, though your loss and your son's loss of a sibling are different than mine, one thing my mom and dad told, me was, "It's okay to cry, and to laugh, and have happy moments. Some days will be better, and some days will be worse than others, but we're a team." It'll be a year to my brother's death in about 12 days, I'm dreading the day.
What I have found helps, is to do things that you find enjoyment from, excersize, read a book etc, it'll definitley be difficult at first. But trying to do things of find things to keep busy that you can enjoy; for my mom,(Gardening has been theraputic for her) for me, art work has been my therapy, it's different for everyone. And just take it . . . one day at a time really. I'm not sure if this helped any, but I just wanted to let you know you and your son and everyone else here are in my thoughts.
I lost my older brother about 2 and a half years ago. I was 17, and he was 18. There's always an emptiness inside that never goes away. I have another brother too, and I know he feels the same way. It really is one of the most heart wrenching and most agonizing feelings in the world, and what's even worse is that nobody seems to understand. Friends expect you to act normal like nothing changed, and that makes me furious. How can it be possible to act normal when you lose someone you thought would have throughout your whole life, someone who was so close, someone you love so much?
I'm in college now, and it never stops. There are days when I feel completely normal, but there are days when I honestly can't tolerate anyone because nobody can compare to who he was. Nobody can replace him, and nobody can understand. Thank you for posting this. Reading other people's story helps me know that there are people who understand, and that nobody is alone on this. I really wish there was more support for people in our situation. I feel like I've messed up so many things with people because I can't find stability without him. It drives me insane thinking about what could have been. It drives me insane knowing that everything I am right now is something my brother wouldn't be proud of. It drives me insane because I do feel alone.
I also agree with. I lost my little brother. He was 18 years old & past away in a car accident in hands of unresponsible drivers. He was not only my brother but my son. He was away last friday on april 13. I feel like im strong but then i feel weak & fall down again. I know my parents hurt but sometimes i realiza that they take out thier pain on me. I wish they knew that im also hurt & that all im doing is being strong & focused for them. since the day my brother has past away i was with them to help out organized the funeral service. We are still trying to find out where my brothers personal things are located. Since we havent been able to find his things they say they have no help
Thanks- you gave a voice to some of my thoughts. I just lost my little brother. He was 22, and fied of a rare strain of bacterial meningitis in 10 hours. "Terrible" doesn't ever begin to do a tragedy like the death of a sibling justice. I don't know how my world is still going, but it is.
I lost my brother to leaukemia in 1978 but it still hurts me deeply.He was only 11 and I was 13.My parents never told me and my twin brother that our younger brother was very ill. I returned to school the day after he died and no one said anything to me about what happened. I was devastated but received no help from anyone and I have low self esteem and confidence issues all my life. I didnt attend the funeral and I cant remember my parents asking me if I wanted to go.
I recently lost my father after a long illness and since the funeral it has reminded me all over again about missing my brother's funeral and the lack of closure. There is no memorial plaque or anything. I loved my brother so very much. He was so much more confident, funny and outgoing than me or my twin brother. Since my father died I have missed my brother even more than before.It is so hard. I totally understand people's comments on this site and empathise with them.Since my father passed away I have tried so hard to be more than a supportive daughter to my mum as I feel that I have to fill the gap of my missing brother. Obviously, I can never achieve this but it always in my mind.
I wanted to first say THANK YOU for posting this!
I lost my brother March 14th, 2012. He was 24, I was his caregiver for the last 2 1/2 years. It's been 51 days and It hasn't gotten easier yet! I still miss him as much as I did when I held his hand as he left this world.
I feel so much of the things you talked about, specifically about parents not having as long to be reunited and we have to wait a life time. I feel like it'll be 50 or 60 years or more before I ever see him again and that is SO HARD to fathom because I just miss him so terribly! I am sobbing now writing this because just thinking of him tears me up inside. I think we all get the question of how is your parents and you think inside your head why don't you ask how I'M DOING? I was extremely close to my brother and I have a huge void in my life and it just doesn't seem to be getting better but then again it hasn't even been two months yet.
Thanks for posting this and letting others know that we are not alone in this.
Johnathan
I lost my brother a year ago. 2 weeks before christmas. He was 19, I was 17. I was in the states at the time as an exchangestudent and one day i got a phone call from home(Norway) that my brother had died. He was just doing his regular work out when his heart stopped. I can relate to everything youre saying "K" cause I feel the exact same way. I have an older brother and I know he's struggeling too, but I can't seem to find comfort in anyone. Some days I feel normal, but other days I just feel helpless and none of my friends seem to understand, and in a way I hope they never will cause I dont think anyone deserve feeling this way. It breaks my heart that I'll never see him again. I just miss him so much.
I lost my triplet brother 3 years ago just after our 33rd Birthday. We were so close, like soulmates. There is no one who could ever replace him, which makes life hard to face at times and I often think about ending my life so that I can be with him, just to feel normal again!. People under estimate the bond between siblings. I have never known life without him. Shared life experiences from fetus to adult(in my case). It's impossible to know anyone that well, we were almost telepathic. It's on a par with losing yourself. Choosing to go on means accepting a totally new life, one where there will always be a wacking great chunk of me missing.
This site really inspired me. I completely agree that there are not enough support systems for people who have lost a sibling. A sibling is one of your very first friends you have in your life. That is one of the most special bonds you can have with someone. I just lost my 20 year old brother about a month and a half a go. We were only a year apart and grew up together as best-friends. We had the same friends throughout life and shared a bond that I can't explain. He was tragically killed. He was shot in the neck "accidentally" by one of his best-friends. We're still not aware of all the details. Everyday is a nightmare to get through and I'm just trying to get through day to day. I would love to know of any sites, books, groups or anything that anyone has come across that has helped you cope. My email address is adf281@email.vccs.edu. Thank you so much.
I lost my only brother 30 years ago, he was 6, I was 12, it's been a part of me everyday and sometimes I can manage the loss and others I still can't. I'm married have 4 sons of my own and am overwhelmed for my love for them and am so grateful for them but still I can't live as I would have done because it changed my life forever, so I feel for all those still so fresh in their loss, things do improve, they change but it never goes away. I just wish I could handle it better, I turned to comfort eating 6 months after he died as I was not allowed to mention his name or cry so food became an emotional thing not a hunger thing and my life has been dominated by my weight...'go to weightwatchers' say my friends.....since when did weightwatchers help with sibling loss?! Glad to have found this site, beautifully written article, well done.
Next week will be one year since my big brother, Scotty was killed in a car accident. It is still so painful that sometimes I can barely breathe. I need a break from grieving and I know that such a break will never come. 51 weeks ago, my life completely changed and even though great things have happened since, I feel stuck in time on May 16, 2011. I don't feel closer to my other brother and sister or mom and dad. I feel like a painful reminder most of the time.
This is great of you to share! The siblings are mostly forgotten! I am the mom of my beautiful Kelly who has been gone 15 long horribly sad months now. She was 25 and her 27th birthday just passed two days ago. Colleen is my other beautiful daughter the older sister (30) of Kelly. I cannot begin to tell you my awful grief but I understand the grief of all of you! It's so horribly sad as well! I've watched Colleen fall apart for the last 15 months! No support at work or anywhere else in the daily life of the real world. Not that people don't care just that they don't seem to know to give care. If the laws of nature finish correctly Colleen will be left alone for many years after her parents die to deal with her lose we share. This makes me even more sad! Kelly is suppose to grow old with Colleen! Mow Colleen has to grow old alone! This is killing me! They even had plans for that! Kelly even just wrote in a bday card to Colleen how she looked forward to it! She cannot except Kelly being gone, nor can I because then it becomes real. We are basically stuck in time most of us living for everyone else but can't seem to move on without the one who is missing. Like we are waiting for them to return so we can go on living. Our loved ones are to be in this journey of life with us! We see no other way! Colleen misses Kelly so much! She considers Kelly her other half! I am so sorry for all of you and your great lose of your beloved sibling. Sadly there is lack of support from people who have not experienced this loss. They just don't get it but they really don't know how to understand. If they read this site it would help. I hear your pain as I read each one. None of you are alone since you are all in this together. And I understand your want and longing to have your sibling back here with you!
I often come back to this site on a regular basis since my wonderful bro died in Oct 2010. Still heart broken as you all well know. I get comfort from all the postings and feel that grief can be shared and eased through this site. We will never be the same again and our sibs would be proud that we can seek comfort and express our love for them here. Bless everyone who has ever lost a sibling and know that they loved us just the same. Sad to think that so many postings are added every month, with many more not yet having happened, time does not heal, it just takes up further away from when we last saw our siblings.
Jennifer O'Connor 3 years ago
I could not agree more. I just lost my big brother, and feel exactly how you do. Thank you so much for writing & sharing this. This helps me in so many ways, and I will pass this on to some people close, so they do know how I feel. If you can, please email me. I do not have anyone to talk to, that understands exactly how I feel. You are right, I seem to only find support groups for parents. My name is Jennifer O'Connor, my email is: jenoconnor77@yahoo.com, live in Las Vegas. My brother, Bobby, 40yrs old, just past suddenly. It was a freak accident, he was on a four wheeler & it flipped on him. He just passed January 14, 2009. I am 32yrs old & my heart is broken. Even if you do not reply, I would like to sincerely thank you for writing your feelings & thoughts. Again, thank you.